The EP
by fckyeahcc
Summary: When life goes wrong, what do you do? Jarlos, Kogan, Jagan, Kenlos, Carlos- centric
1. Chapter 1

**The EP**** - Big Time Rush Fanfic by fckyeahcc**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters, the show or anything, nor is this based on any of the singers' real life. I am not responsible for you being disgusted with slash and/or homosexual pairings. Also, being a Japanese 1 student, I know absolutely nothing about Spanish. I am using Google Translate in order to write certain things that Carlos says in Spanish. Please forgive me for the inaccuracy and that fact there just happens to be Spanish in this fic. **I insist, use a translator if you don't understand. If you don't want to, that's fine, and if that makes you miserable, well fine.**

**Summary:** What happens when the moment you sleep with the wrong person, your world begins to fall apart? Jarlos, Kogan, Lomille, Kenjo, Kenlos, Jagan, Carlos-centric. Story inspired by "Doll of Fun" by ReadingAddictWeirdo and How To Love by Lil Wayne

_**Carlos/James, Carlos/Kendall, Kendall/Logan, Kendall/Jo, Camille/Logan, James/Logan, Carlos-centric  
><strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

People always told me that things happen for a reason, right? That life just throws curve balls or that someone out there is making things happen, right? Well for the most part, I think this is one of those kinds of moments where "things _just_ happen."

He had me against the wall. I couldn't breathe. I felt a shiver run rampant down my back, a small jolt tapping my tailbone as my face began reddening, I think. I wasn't sure. But all I knew was that this feeling was foreign. No, it actually, it felt wrong. It felt dangerous. This was not right at all. He kissed me. _He_ just _kissed_ me. _Kendall Knight _just _kissed_ me right on the _lips._

"K-Kendall." I squeaked.

He did not respond. His lips did. Kendall's lips pressed against mine, pressed hard, pressed with need. Soon his hands roughly found their way on my body, rushing all over my tummy, then my chest before falling and soon touching me under my shirt, fingers pinching in place I never even considered touching before. Kendall prodded me all over. This felt so surreal. I wanted to flee from this more than anything.

"Kendall, please stop."

"Carlos, I…I need you."

I refused to lift my head up and look him in the eyes. His eyes were grazing against me though. His breathing felt hitched, like he was exhausted, like he was running from something and I was the only thing that was helping him. I kept my head down, and I saw his left hand fumble with the button on my jeans. Then his other hand yanked my chin up. I saw his brown eyes, and everything came crashing down on me as they watered up.

Kendall needed me, whether I liked it or not.

He kissed me repeatedly, his hand sinfully sinking in my pants, feeling me, yet I could not fight this anymore.

I do not know my trip to the kitchen for orange juice somehow transformed into _this_.

Then his hand touched _it_, and immediately my breath was gone. My chest was aching immensely and I lost all my strength as I collapsed into his arms, which still held me rigidly. I could not remember what happened after-wards.

All I remember was falling.

Waking up, I felt someone's hand on my forehead. I kept my eyes shut. Please don't touch me, whoever you are.

"So exactly what happened?"

Suddenly, I knew exactly who was touching me. It was James. His hand went from my head to my hair, a finger twirling around in a comforting circle. I don't understand it. Out of all the times James has touched me, there was something about his hands that felt nice. Really nice, possibly surreal even. It was warm and sweet, like he was petting a kitten. I really liked kittens, and right now if I was a kitten, I'd be purring so much to his touch.

"He was walking to the kitchen and just when I saw him, he passed out. He seemed a little sickly. It seemed like he had an asthma attack again." Kendall said distressingly.

Without realizing it, my fist clenched the blanket that was covering me and I held my breath for a second. Footsteps were heard and then the door shut, but James was still here with me.

I opened my eyes. I was in my room that I shared with James, and it was dim, the light not too bright. The blanket felt a little itchy. James immediately shot his hand away from me, and he looked concerned. I blushed a bit. When James showed concern (which was rare) he had a very noticeable way of showing it.

"Hey buddy, you alright?"

Shaking my head, I sat up, and he scooted next to me, his arm looping around my shoulder. That sweet spark zapped through me again. Only James could do that. I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, the scent of body wash apparent.

Sometimes, being around James like this scare me. These small feelings don't feel normal at all. Shouldn't I be feeling these things with a girl? Come to think of it, I haven't felt anything for girls in a while actually. Despite all the girls, old or new, who are here at Palm Woods, not one of them caught my attention at all.

James began tapping his finger against my shoulders to a steady beat. My train of thought ended and all I could do was focus on the beat of his fingers. He tapped with a staccato rhythm, and soon, it was accompanied by his humming, which was all too sweet.

Those feelings kept coming.

Sometimes, I liked it when I didn't have to explain myself. With Logan or Kendall, there's always an explanation to how I'm feeling, but when I'm with James, the minute I say I don't wanna talk about it, he just accepts it and just stays with me.

I like it when he stays with me. Sometimes, I just need him to be there.

He touched me gently, and before I knew it, we were laying down again. Normal people maybe think this is uncomfortable but then again, I don't think James and I are normal people. Just being in his arms that tapped a rhythm only he knew felt good. And then, I fell asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

Carlos lay against my chest, a content sigh escaping his sleepy mouth. I smiled at the little snort he made.

I wonder if he ever knew it, but things have changed since that day. Before we became super stars in L.A., it happened during the summer back in Minnesota. Logan and Kendall were helping Mrs. Knight with errands so Carlos and I decided to go to a local pool since it was well, hot, to go swimming.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos wearing these alligator swim trunks that were a bit too tight.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos dive right into the pool, water splashing all over me the minute we opened the pool gate.

What I didn't count on was watching Carlos strut ruthlessly though unknowingly towards me, his smile dazzled with sexiness.

What I didn't count on was my crotch throb erratically, my heart fluttering manically and my mind shutting down.

What I didn't count on was that I wanted him all for myself.

What I didn't count on was that that was the very moment I started seeing him less and less as a friend and more and more as a potential lover.

What I didn't count on was falling in love with my best friend.

Don't get me wrong; I've dated a lot of girls. If anything, I am what every standard boy band usually has; their significant face. Carlos is the only exception. I'll still look at girls and find them beautiful and pretty and whatever words you can describe their curves and their voluptuous body, yet Carlos is different. It's like looking at a child and a _man_ simultaneously. He has the childish charm, yet…being around him, all I want is for him to touch me so sinfully. To be honest, I want Carlos Garcia to pin me down, nipping me with his sweet mouth as he jabbed inside of me over and over. Yeah, I James Diamond would rather have Carlos Garcia take me down over any girl. Does that make me a bad person? To be in love with him? Or to be in love with him because of lust? All I want is for him to want me, yet…I also just want him to love me like I do for him. Of course in life, that is too much to ask. So instead of acting out long ago before Big Time Rush, I just dated girls. Flirted everywhere I went, practically fell in love with a mermaid and got a kick out of kissing Camille. But those feelings never left.

I kissed his forehead before shutting the lights off.

Sometimes, I just wish we could pretend.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"Why did you do it?" I asked.

It sounded a little rude, the way I questioned Kendall, but I had a right to the answer. We just finished recording our new song "Blow Your Speakers". I yanked Kendall out into the hallway while James and Logan were arguing with Gustavo who seemed to be as equally annoyed as they were. I think they were arguing at the song choices we've made for the EP Griffin wants us to do since our fans want more emotional and acoustic like songs instead of the studio based songs Gustavo's always recording. Kelly just stood there, too tired to do anything about it this time.

Kendall at first shrugged, glaring at me because I wouldn't let go of his sleeve (which was part of a really nice shirt). I wouldn't let up.

"Jo."

"What about her?"

"She broke up with me."

Stopping in my tracks, I didn't ask anymore, but instead hugged him. His touch this time was genuine, lonely even. I heard a small sob being muffled against my shoulder and I held him even tighter.

"This still doesn't justify making me pass out."

"I'm sorry."

Once more, his hands began feeling me up curiously. Touching my shoulder blades to my spine, I felt the urge to push away but I could not. A part of me did not want him to be shoved away. It feels odd, how out of nowhere, Kendall decided all he wanted to do was kiss and holds and touches me. I mean it does feel nice…but it does not feel like him. Like the Kendall I knew. His hands were everywhere, and my mind was slowly fading away.

Soon his lips found their way on me again, and my face tinted a malicious red as I gasped in the pleasure of his kiss. We twirled around and I was now against the wall in the hallway, his tongue now poking mine. It felt so weird, like eating a bunch of wet gummy worms covered in syrup - sticky yet sweet. With every parting, his taste soon began enrapturing (one of Logan's fancy words) my head; even his saliva was so good. My lips quivered and I quietly moaned sweetly into his mouth. I hated it, but soon, I began whimpering, wanting more _oomph_ in his pecks. I was so hypnotized by his touch that we failed to see Logan step out of the recording room, his face plastered in shock as he stared at us.

Kendall had let go of me and I stared at the two of them, the silence making me squirm.

Someone…

Say something…

Anytime now…

"So ummm…how about that weather?" Logan said shyly before skipping back into the recording room. Way to be, Kendall.

I feel a little embarrassed that I'm a bit innocent. I mean, for instance, when it comes to girls, the furthest I have gone is pecks on the cheeks and holding hands and eating pudding together.

And then there's Kendall.

His room was positively bright, and his door was locked. His long fingers gripped anxiously on my hair, holding me in place as he stared intently in my eyes. I looked back. All they kept yelling was loneliness. His eyes began watering up. I didn't want him to cry again.

Please don't…

I pecked him. He kissed back. I shivered. He bit my bottom lip and I opened my mouth more. My arms wrapped around his neck and I twitched as his tongue danced with mine.

He was hard down there.

I had no idea why, but I'm hard too, and it hurts slightly. His palm felt me there and I yelped, thrusting my crotch into his touch. All the kisses kept leaving butterflies swarming inside of me and I couldn't help but long for his touch. And then out of nowhere, I thought of James.

As Kendall slowly began undoing my pants, all that came rushing to my head were the thoughts of James. Did James do anything like this with the girls he flirted with? Was he ever curious about guys? Did he ever-

Oh dear god, Kendall grabbed my...well ummm (I know what it is, I'm just too embarrassed to actually say it) and I made a sharp gasp, my mind seeing stars with the small strokes he was making, his rough hands forcing me to arch my back. My head was spiraling and my face withering in pleasure and with every tug became more enticing than the last. I gripped Kendall's shoulders with a vice like strength, my body trembling at this feeling. I have never been touched there before. Kendall yanked all of what remained of my pants away and the wind hit me down there. Never has anyone touched me that way. It's odd though pleasant. I don't understand why, but a part of me wanted James to be feeling me, not Kendall. Something poked me there, that hole on my butt. I looked up to my blond friend, and both our faces went scarlet.

Kendall poked again, his fingers trying to get in. The more I mewled, the more he pushed, not only his fingers getting in but immediately hitting this bizarre area that made stars shoot before my eyes as I shrieked wantonly and with every push, the more I thought about James. He silenced me with another kiss. Without noticing it, soon another finger joined the first. Bucking my hips wildly, my eyes blurred in pleasure as one hand was on my (I don't even care anymore) dick and the other up my butt.

I didn't care.

It all felt dangerously good.

"So tight…"

"K-Kendall, something's h-happ-" my warning came too late.

Something unbelievable erupted in me, my nerves screaming excitedly and Kendall's touches became too much as all this pleasure shot right out my dick. A weird white substance coated my tummy and Kendall's hand. My whole body felt woozy and I reclined into the bed, face blushing and my blood rushing. He held his hand in front of my face, the white goo running down his palm. Bewildered, I licked it. Thick, bittersweet, lustful, I liked the hand clean, my tongue swathing away every bit that covered him.

Taking his hands away from me Kendall pointed to the door, his face stony and unemotional. Did I do something wrong? Within that moment, I could not recognize Kendall Knight. All I saw was a stranger with a cold expression. Checking if the coast was clear, I left Kendall, my throat tightening as I walked to the bathroom, my clothes clumped together in my shaking hands. I don't understand it, but I stepped in the shower, feeling dirty. As the hot water pelted me, I began crying.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

"I saw them kissing." Logan said calmly as he burst into my room.

"Who? Camille and that new actor from Miami?"

"Carlos and Kendall! They were kissing when I walked into the hallway after Gustavo blew up at us!"

For the first time in my life, I wanted to seriously _kill_ Kendall with a heated passion. My eyes burned, for a minute I couldn't even see Logan as I watched Kendall _violated my _Carlos. I blinked again, and my angry haze ended as Logan was now holding me down by the shoulders.

"James, I need you to relax, please."

His words did not faze me. I just got up and went out of my room. I didn't say hi to Katie or Ms. Knight as I sprinted out of the apartment. I didn't know where I was going but I just ran towards the elevator and mashed buttons, just wanting out so desperately. My cheeks were radiating rage and my mind was hollow of clarity. My mind kept screaming why repeatedly and my eyes watered up, trying to piece everything together.

Losing track of time, the door opened and following that, I toppled over someone.

"Oh hi there James!"

It was Kelly.

The first time I have ever cried was at nine-years old, when my first pet, a goldfish names Hercules, died. I had him for a while actually, and the day I saw him float up, I was devastated. At first, I brushed it off and said I didn't care. Even my mother bought the act. But Carlos didn't. He wouldn't stop questioning me about it.

After a week passed, the doorbell rang and when I answered it, there stood Carlos, holding a small glass bowl with two goldfishes inside of it. He placed the bowl down before hugging me. I sobbed. I look back and I smile at the memory because ever since, Carlos was the only person I would show my weaknesses to and not feel any regret.

But this is something I cannot cry to him about.

Kelly saw that something was deeply bothering me, and without a word, she took me to her car. We drove around Los Angeles, passing various buildings and all I could do was vent and vent and tell my throat was aching to stop. Kelly has become the first person I've ever told about my feelings for Carlos and it hurts so damn much.

"So Carlos kissed Kendall?"

"Well yeah, Logan said so!"

"That's hard to argue since Logan is pretty truthful…well maybe you should talk to Carlos about it?"

We stopped at a red light and I gazed hard at her, trying to search her for more answers.

"But I…I just don't know."

Just then, Kelly's phone rang, and it surprised me that her ring tone was Boyfriend. We pulled into an empty parking lot near by the mall, which also surprised me because I did not know we were driving out that far. I heard Gustavo's somewhat irritated voice over the receiver and she handed me an apologetic look as I waited for her to finish. Kelly's brow furrowed with equal annoyance before hanging up with a burdened sigh.

"Kelly, I love Carlos. I can't just admit that and risk losing the one person who ever made a real difference in my life. What I'm even more afraid of though, is what if he loves Kendall? What if he wanted Kendall?"

"James, love is always about risks. That's how you find it. You're right; you might run into that risk. But think about it, would you rather risk losing him, or losing a chance at love? A single kiss doesn't determine everything; it just marks the beginnings of what could happen. You have a chance to change that. Now we gotta get going; Gustavo wants me to help pick songs for the EP."

I wanted to prove her so wrong.

If only she wasn't so right. No wonder Gustavo needs her. Soon we turned back, arriving at Palms Woods.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Thinking about it, I felt really, well, inexperienced. Thinking it through, I guess Kendall and I did something sexual. Sort of. Although school taught me Sex Ed, everything right now felt out of this world compared to what I was taught. Even in my own home before L.A., sex wasn't talked a lot. I mean sure, I didn't know a lot, but for the most part, I rationalized that that gooey stuff that got out of my dick was well…semen and that it was because of an (I can't believe I'm even thinking this) orgasm.

Furthermore, what Kendall did to me was unbelievably intimate; that it was something you should do to someone you love. I don't know. I don't know if he used me, or if he acted because he loved me. I don't know if his touch was good or not.

The hot water was all gone, and as I dressed, a knock came from the door.

"Dinner is ready Carlos!" Ms. Knight

Wearing a faint smile, I stepped out, my hands shaking a little. The warm aroma of cooked food, and I recognized the scent of dinosaur chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. My smile creased even more so into a bigger one as I plopped down next to Logan at the table.

An awkward silence persisted, and Kendall, Logan and James looked at me, each sporting a red face. I knew why Kendall and Logan were blushing but James, I don't know.

"Oh my, are you boys getting sick? You all seem to have red cheeks!" Ms. Knight gushed as she shoveled food onto each of our plates. Katie looked at us before grunting and looking back at the TV.

"Everything's fine mom!" Kendall said as he munched on a nugget.

"Don't worry!" Logan and James said in unison.

I nodded my head in agreement before nibbling on my food.

Quiet. It was oddly quiet. Which wasn't right, and then suddenly I just realized how delicious the chicken nuggets were! Ms. Knight probably bought a new brand!

Without realizing it, I just groaned out of the deliciousness of the food, and while Ms. Knight smiled with appreciation at me while my friends' faces deepened to an even darker shade of red.

Why can't I be normal?

_He was touching me, from my hair, to my stomach, to my feet and then up my thighs. His tongue was licking me. All over. I moaned, and soon my mouth was covered with these gentle lips. He was touching my crotch, kneading me, pressing so enchantingly as if my body were a magical piece of dough. My back arched against him, and trails of kiss slithered down my neck. The room was dark but heated. I was helpless to my body's shaking. My senses were erratic with every touch._

_My dick jumped at his teasing fingers, and I wanted the friction so badly. I didn't want it to end. Just the massaging of my body and subtle licks of his mouth was so good against me; I could not help but want it so badly._

"_Carlos…"_

"_James…"_

My eyes had ripped themselves open as I saw the darkness of the room. I swiped my forehead, feeling the sweat trickling down too my cheek. I shifted my legs and a gross, mucky feeling was at my thighs. I palmed my shorts, feeling a warm wetness. Why the hell was I dreaming of James? I shouldn't be! That's not normal…is it?

It felt good, but he's my _best friend in the WHOLE WORLD._ I should not be fantasizing about him like that. Hell, I shouldn't be even using that cursed word like 'fantasizing' or 'cursed' or 'hell' to describe James! This is so very, very, VERY wrong.

"Psst. James! Wake up, please!"

He groaned but instead turned in his sleep, ignoring me. I kept whispering, but I knew he wouldn't budge. It felt so awkward with that white goo in my shorts but I didn't know what else to do! I crept out of bed, waddling towards James' bed. He knew I was next to him, but why he wouldn't wake up is beyond me.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

It's almost two in the morning. Carlos. _What the hell could it possibly be that you are bothering me?_

I moaned, turning with my back to him, wanting my beauty sleep more than anything. He turns into a horrible monster if I bother his sleep, so why is he bothering mine? I love Carlos, but I'm too tired to deal with him and his late night antics. Something was soon poking my shoulders, gingerly prodding me. Carlos' finger soon moved to my sides. Immediately, I squirmed.

Then Carlos took my hand, pressing it against something wet and cool. My head shot up, and through the dim light of the moon, I blushed at the sight of my hand pressing against Carlos' crotch. My fingers felt him, feeling that part of him I never thought I'd feel and right now, my mind is on a sinful nirvana as we locked eyes in that particular instance.

"I…ummm…sort of had a wet dream. Mind helping me?" Carlos bluntly put it.

Nodding my head, I got up, switching the lamp on. Turning, Carlos began stripping, and despite the numerous times I've seen him nude, this time was so…surreal. His forehead was smothered in sweat. The rest of his body looked so exotic under this light, and then my eyes bloated greatly at the sight of his crotch, as small smears of semen streaking his thighs and his dick slightly jumpy. Those lips pouted, pink with embarrassment and that hair was sprawled out in a way only Carlos would.

I was on the verge of passing out at the way Carlos looked. I threw him a pair of boxers and one of my shirts, taking his soiled clothes while he cleaned up. Tip-toeing into the hallway, I strode to the laundry room but stopped, looking at the boxers in my hand.

With an intense rush of blood rocketing to my brain, I sniffed his boxers.

Sweet yet musky, and it smelled just like Carlos. Sin burned within my noggin, and I could not help but indulge in the scent. An erection was forming in my crotch and my impulsive lust threw me into the bathroom. His smell was intoxicating, so dangerous but it drove my mind into a blinding haze that I could not stop.

Yanking my sweat pants down, I held one hand up with his clothes, inhaling while the other stroking roughly at my cock, my body aching with monstrous lust. With every thrust into my fist, my dick became increasingly slippery and my mind just kept showering me with images of Carlos screaming with joy, Carlos mumbling incoherent Spanish, Carlos kissing me down my neck and my chest, Carlos just loving me.

I slipped the boxer briefs under my chin, holding it there as both my hands continued their sinful charades. I kept my right hand stroking while my right curiously made its way to my bottom, dragging along my crevices. Cautiously, I pressed my index finger against my entrance, and with pleasure so searing like a lightning bolt, my body was struck. The ecstasy soared through my brain as I came. Cum splashed vehemently against my white t-shirt.

Shame.

I felt disgusting shame, not because I was masturbating with my best friend's underwear or that I just touched my ass but because I wanted Carlos, more than anything, and that want drove me to this point.

Returning, I saw that he was asleep.

I just watched him sleep soundly while my heart beat rapidly.

"I love Kendall."

It was a few weeks after that night, and Logan barged into the apartment, ordering Carlos out while he and I were playing video games before spitting that out. I stared at Logan with surprise. I always thought he loved Camille. He seemed like he was so into her, especially during that time when Griffin signed us up to be part of a reality TV show, where they'd be making out with every shot of the camera.

Logan's face were wet, a pair of lines going straight from his eyes to his cheek, and his brown soft eyes were shocked with red.

"Logan?"

"I broke up with Camille. I was too ashamed to admit to her why I don't love her but I'm not ashamed to admit the truth to you because I know you love Carlos, and damnit, it hurts. It hurts so much and I feel like a huge mess because I can't take this anymore! I love Kendall Knight, you love Carlos, he wants Carlos, and here we are, broken!"

I wanted to slap Logan, primarily for being unreasonable towards Camille, discovering my affection for the knuckle-headed Latino and calling me broken and yet, I can see through him. That he's hurting.

I pulled him into the couch, holding his head to my chest, letting him sob. Logan clung to my shirt, and even though he left tear stains, I let him cry.

"It hurts, it has always hurt. I love him, he doesn't love me, and I feel so weak."

He's right; it hurts.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Escalation.

The process in which a sequence of events occur with intense consequences due to an ongoing conflict. Or, at least that's what Logan had once said. I'm not going to question it considering I don't read the dictionary for fun or when I'm depressed over a breakup.

But it seems to me that Kendall's actions have been escalating. I've noticed the pattern, that when he talks to Jo and gets all happy, he doesn't need me. When Jo breaks his heart, he uses me. I don't mind. I don't. Even if it hurts. A lot. It hurts more than anything because my best friend is using me. But I don't mind.

Because I need to keep Kendall happy for, he is my friend, right?

The cycle has been going on for weeks. With every empty moment we get, it ends with me pinned to the wall, crying in naïve pleasure; my body submitting while my heart ached for someone else.

I can't seem to understand why but, with every one of Kendall's touches, kisses, pushes, licks, I keep thinking of James. That it should be that pretty boy touching me, him licking me, not Kendall. Yet, James is my best friend. He doesn't like me like that. Well maybe, after all, he does flirt with _everyone_ but point being, James would never like me, let alone want me the way Kendall does.

He'd never.

A part of me was stabbed with jealousy though. I wander what Logan wanted with James, as he ushered me out of the room with his face all red and angry. If Logan were upset, wouldn't he go to Kendall?

Leaning towards the apartment door, trying to hear.

"…broke up…Camille…shame…we are broken…I love him…weak…"

I caught fragments of Logan's rambling but he was hurting. He loved someone who didn't love him. But I don't know who…all I heard was "I love him."

Could it be me? Or Jett? Maybe there's a new guy somewhere here. I always thought Logan loved Camille. Is everyone but James turning gay?

Wait…what if it's Kendall?

I didn't have enough time to figure this out because the minute I turned around, a pair of warm needy lips crammed themselves against my dry ones, tongue poking curiously. Kendall was stuttering forward, my body leaning against the door of the apartment.

He parted, eyes glazed with the familiar lust he always wears around me.

"Is anyone home?" He questioned, arms still wrapped around me.

"Logan and James." I was hoping so badly, so very badly that Kendall would leave me alone because someone is home.

Instead, he grabs my hand, yanking me as he dragged me towards the closes supply closet. It was a dank room, the stiff odor of cleansers present. A broken mop lay dusted in the corner. The light swayed from the ceiling with a rickety sound. The blonde locked the door before showering me in desperate kisses, each one sucking bits of my skin more than the last one. Unsnapping the button on my pants, Kendall shoved my pants and underwear down, the silent draft creeping against my crotch.

Kendall snatched a bottle of soap from a nearby shelf, glossing his fingers before prodding my bottom once more. I bit my lip. I did not want to submit to him. I didn't.

I just wanted James to hold me right now. I wanted him to be kissing me and touching me and telling me he loved me.

Wait, loved me?

Kendall found that glorious button inside of my butt, jabbing it head on without any regard to my dick that flared angrily, wanting to be stroked. The ring of muscles down there tightened and the both of us groaned anxiously. I just wanted this to end. I just want this to be over. I just want to be away from this room and I want the old Kendall back, the one who would protect me and the one who loved Jo and that he…he wouldn't hurt me like this.

This time, I was in for one hell of a surprise.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

I held Logan as he sobbed tediously. We sat on his bed and while he was cried, his tears wetting my expensive cardigan that my mother bought on Mother's Day when she visited. Logan kept weeping about how fell for Kendall before BTR and how Carlos doesn't deserve him (though I want to agree with Logan, if Kendall makes him happy I can't argue). I've always hated Logan being at such a weak state; it's like watching a kitten being denied milk, it is that sad. His brown eyes were webbed with dark pink lines. The sun that beamed in the room didn't help cheer Logan up. I suggested that we should go out, somewhere away from the Palm Woods so we can talk in private because even though the door is locked, I don't think we're alone.

"Logan, you need to calm down. Please?" I requested for the umpteenth time. I know I have a hard time trying to be a good friend, but it's been about two hours of gibberish and non-rational angry curses. In other words, it's hard trying to help Logan when he's mad.

And I know; the whole kissing Camille accident said enough.

"ButimmshomumadadCarlos!"

I slapped Logan. His incomprehensible rambling was not helping at all. I know I'll regret it later (I may have muscles, but surprisingly Logan does too and can kick my ass) but I had to.

"B-but I'm so mad at Carlos!" Logan squeaked. His eyes were dilated with surprise but it didn't really faze me.

Then Logan kissed me. Out of nowhere, he kissed me. This was _unbelievably _wrong. I couldn't shut my eyes, and as I watched him screw his eyes tightly, I groaned at his hand, where his fingers digging deeply into my arm. Logan has _really_ sharp nails for a dude. His tongue lapped against my lips eagerly and then he bit my lower lip, parting my mouth as he slipped in. This kiss was not right. So very, exquisitely not right and I didn't know what to do because really, all I wanted right now was to console Logan, not kiss him when he should be kissing Kendall and I should be kissing Carlos. I needed this to stop, before it got out of hand, so as a last resort, I bit Logan's tongue.

Logan flinched away, and as we looked at each other, we blushed.

"Logan, I ummm-"

"Sorry James. I shouldn't have done that." We glanced sideways for a sec, and all I did see was desperateness sitting next to me. I know Logan is scared, and where _that_ kiss came from was beyond me. I wonder if Logan had underlying feelings for me. It wouldn't be surprising considering the face my mother gave me. But still…

"Logan, that's not going to solve any problems."

"I know; I just…I just needed to do something."

"Yehhhh, let's not do that again."

"Never again."

I smiled coyly before hugging him. Logan lied down, and I patted his leg before getting up to leave him be. I'm even more confused now than I have ever been.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

My ass _hurts_. Kendall was still on top of me, arms holding me. His cock was deflating a little but my ass _hurts_. The tears have finally stopped springing from my eyes. I can breathe again. I feel unimaginably violated. My friend was asleep on me, clutching me like a bear hugging its cub. The stale scent of old cleansers was mingling with the fresh odor of semen, nauseating me.

I love Kendall, but this honestly hurts a lot.

He loves me, but not in the way I wish he had. And so much for my virginity.

"Kendall? Kendall, please wake up?" I shook his arm and the tears were making a comeback. I just wanted to go shower and forget everything. "_¡Oh, dios mío, por favor, ¡DESPIERTA!"_

My freaked-out Spanish woke him up, and his eyebrows linked in drowsiness. Wordlessly, we cleaned up, disposing of the condom and not making eye contact, and as he got out, I tried getting up, my bottom stinging. Limping, I glimpsed at the janitor's mirror, biting back my lip at my worn out face.

Entering the apartment, I found it ominously quiet. James was emerging from the hallway, his eyes bored and averted.

"Hey." I greeted.

"Hey." He said.

Something is wrong. I don't know what it is, or what caused it, but for some time, James has…changed. He is not as affectionate as he once was. When I get cold, he doesn't hug me like he used to; instead he just tosses me one of my sweaters. When we're alone in the apartment, he just quietly goes to our room and sleep instead of going down the swirly slide with me.

James does not do those things anymore and I miss it.

I miss him.

I stepped into the shower as he cracked the fridge open. The water was near scalding hot, steam wiping my gross cheeks and I scrubbed. I gripped the soap with a vice like hold, thrashing it against every limb, every spot of olive skin I could see, trying to wash it all away.

Washing all the guilt away.

That spot on me finally came up. Lathering up the body wash, I attentively massaged the area, blushing as I hissed. My nerves were screaming with outrage, the soap hurting beyond anything. I rubbed it, trying to wash away the detergent that Kendall used as lubricant when he put his dick there. Taking my finger away, I looked at my hand, cringing at the small amount of redness mixed in with the white fluff of bubbles.

As the water stopped burning my back, I climbed out of the tub. Not realizing that the tub's floor is slippery, I fell, hand flailing, trying to catch my balance as I let out a yelp. James barged into the bathroom, his eyes widened with panic while the shower curtains' bar snapped from its place.

"Carlos, are you alright? I heard you scream."

"I-I'm fine." I muttered yet when I tried to get up, there was a gash on my palm, blood getting on the white tub. Without hesitation, James scurried to Logan's room, fetching him. Logan looked extremely tired, eyes barely fluttering but when he saw the blood he shot up a bunch of questions as he yanked the first aid kit from the cabinet below the sink.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

_-Flashback of 8__th__ Grade Year- _

_I remember all of them staring intensively at me. Their whispers lingered, and I skittishly made my way through the halls, holding my breath slightly. I didn't want to be here anymore. The halls of Cates Junior High were filthy, with smear marks of shoe prints on the floor. It was only the first day of junior high school, Kendall was off who-knows where and James and Carlos was nowhere to be seen. I don't know how but they found out. They found out about me being bisexual._

_Nobody, not even my three best friends knew. The people in this town didn't take too kindly to people who were not straight. _

_In other words, I'm on my own._

"_Move it fag." One of the freshmen muttered, shoving me and my books to the floor. I didn't say a word. I just kept silent. The millisecond I tried to collect my belongings, I felt the impact a foot land on my face, slamming me into a locker._

_I huddled my face, trying to keep calm, trying to not cry and not admit it hurt and that I may have a slightly concussion. The jerk, who seemed to be another freshman, looked ready to pulverize my face into the ground. Bracing for the blow, suddenly I felt all time stop the minute I heard his voice, my savior._

"_You son of a bitch!" I looked up and saw Kendall repeatedly slug the bully, his strength ferocious as he gallantly fought back, with Carlos and James by his side. They never gave up despite how even more freshmen joined the brawl, even with Carlos joining me on the ground. Eventually, it took both vice-principals to restrain Kendall who bore a tenacious glare and James who swore vehemently._

_James and Carlos went into the desolate office first, and despite the protest of the principal herself, James would refuse to let Carlos' hand go._

"_I'm sorry Kenny. You didn't have to hit him…I was in the way." I muttered, face down to the ground. I winced as tears crossed one of the scrapes I got on my face earlier. Kendall yanked my hand, holding mine tightly. He didn't say a word. He just looked at me, and even with that busted lip, he smiled foolishly at me._

_In that particular moment I knew I was in love with Kendall Francis Knight. (Flashback end)_

I've never forgotten. It was that particular cold Minnesota day that I'll have engraved in my head for as long as I live. I'm not ashamed of who I am. Kendall knew, but he didn't care. What I don't want is for these feelings to drive Kendall away. Then I caught him with Carlos. I felt my world shatter, but like that fateful day in Minnesota I would not say a word at the hurt.

It was that kiss. _That kiss_. The one in the hallway. I couldn't forget it. But it was that kiss that officially changed everything between Kendall and me. He'd avoid me when he could, and when we were around Ms. Knight, he'd act conversational but alone he'd say single word responses lined with chagrin. During rehearsals with Gustavo, he'd stand between James and Carlos, away from me.

He's been avoiding me more and more, and we all knew it. Mrs. Knight won't say it. Katie won't say it. Kelly won't say it. Even Gustavo won't say it. But the change was so relevant that it stung deeply. Still I would not say a word at the hurt.

Just don't say it.

I knew being in a relationship with Camille was wrong from the beginning. I should have never led her on. I was trying so hard to push the feelings away from Kendall. She was the excuse I needed to see if I could move on, to see if I can grow up and outgrow these feelings for my best friend because I knew he'd never feel the same. But seeing him, desperately kissing Carlos, his hands touching the Latino so eagerly, nearly broke me. It was what provoked me into breaking off Camille. It was what got me change how I saw Carlos and James. Then I thought, if I start something with James, it might erase the feelings. I shouldn't have kissed James. Now he's awkward towards me. I was wrong. And here I am, with this hole in my chest. Kendall was hurting me so much and I can't breathe a word of it.

The medical peroxide made Carlos tear up in the eyes but I would not say a single thing. We both knew it. There was tension in the air, the anger coming off of me. Carlos rambled on and on, distracting himself from it. The Latino finally saw that I was upset.

"Logan?"

"Just be careful."

"Logan, what's wrong? Are you mad?"

"I love Kendall. And it hurts. It hurts and I'm trying to listen to James but it hurts." I bitterly cried, my tears breaking along with my silence. Carlos blushed and I knotted the gauze on his hand a little too roughly before waltzing out of the bathroom, not even bothering to ask if he was alright after he yelped.

Falling on to the bed, I cried silently. For a genius like me, my heart was pretty damn stupid.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

After the painful bandaging Logan did on my hand, I walked back to my room after eating dinner, _alone_. I couldn't shake what Logan had said, that he loved Kendall. I'm not surprised to honest. Actually, I feel guilty, that in some way, I have what Logan wants. Yet I don't want Kendall sexually. I want Kendall as my friend again. I want Logan to be happy again. My feelings are not so much confused as they are sad now. I don't know what to do. James was listening to his iPod, the music a little bit loud. He had his eyes clothes, head on a pillow as he hummed to himself, forgetting the world. He was wearing a black wife-beater and a pair of gray basketball shorts that sunk a little as his knees were up. I liked it when he wears that wife-beater. I tapped his shoulder to see if he'd notice me. Looking up at me, he grinned sheepishly. My friend unplugged his ears from the buds, dropping the iPod to the bed.

"James?"

"Yeah Carlos?"

"Is it ok if I lay with you?"

"Sure, I guess." James lifted his arms up, scooching over. Climbing into his bed, the warmth was so nice. It was comforting. It was unusual. Best of all, it was just James. He wrapped his arms around me, with my back to his body and we laid there in the quiet.

Just breathing gently. I didn't want to say anything. James felt so nice. So very nice.

"Carlitos?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

I blushed at the words that just came out of James, and I was lucky that he couldn't see my face. Maybe something inside of me wants to like James more than a friend should. But if so, James doesn't feel that way. He's always been affectionate with me. Maybe a part of me loved him as a friend and a part of me loved him beyond this friendship.

"Carlos?"

"I love you too James."

I don't know if I mean that. A part of me wants to mean it so badly. But I'm afraid to. What if James becomes like Kendall and uses me for sex? After all, I love Kendall. And people usually have sex with those they love, right? What if James doesn't love me the way I might feel for him? If I let myself fall, he might not like what he may catch.

I felt snoring against my shoulders and I doubt the arms that were locked around me were going anywhere anytime soon. I wonder why he's so comfortable. No one, not even mamá, can hold me like James does. His arms feel right around me, even when the faint arm hair tickles me. I like it when I feel his heartbeat against my skin because it's so rare, that when it happens, his beats to mine.

No. I need to stop. I need to stop glamorizing these feelings. James is my friend. I just…

Fell asleep.

Changes.

Everyone here is going through a change.

I don't know why but something keeps telling me that with every change, it brings us closer to the brink of no return. Like there's something telling me that the band will break as these changes continue.

Logan doesn't talk to me anymore; just to James. James isn't so affectionate to me and we don't bicker anymore which is so unnaturally wrong, and we all know what Kendall has done. But what scares me more than any of my friends' changes, are my own. I won't say it but I know I'm acting so different now. Shy, quiet, not pulling pranks or bouncing off the walls and yammering only when we are forced to be around each other at Rocque Records yet when I'm at the Palm Woods, I'm just…alone.

I won't say it, but I'm not really me anymore. I wonder if I should be feeling guilty for that. For not being my usual me, or the fact that I'm so distant from my friends now or that, that…I have feelings for James but not for Kendall. And a part of me hurts, because Logan wants Kendall. This wrong. So wrong. So very, very, VERY, wrong.

What if Kendall hurts me again?

What if Logan never wants to talk to me again?

What if James doesn't want me anymore?

The sunlight poured into the room, and a part of me wanted to be so very alone right now, even though James was still wrapped around me.

"Car…los…" James moaned drearily. My face deeply reddened. Was James' dreaming of me? I turned my body a little so I can bury my face into his chest. The slow breathing was calming.

What if a small part of me loved James more than I should? Was that possible? But I'm…well I'm not straight really considering what has been happening with Kendall. I still like girls though. I mean guys should like girls. That's how it is supposed to be, right? That's what mamá and papá told me, ever since they came to this country. Plus it's _James. James fucking Diamond,_ the heartthrob, girl catching, charismatic face of Big Time Rush who also happens to be my _best friend._

I'm so stupid, so very stupid, so unbelievably stupid. He'll never love…

James will never love me. He'll never want someone like me, an idiot, a goofball, a mistake. He'll never want me.

Even though I want him. Even though in truth, I love him. Maybe, a part of me has always loved James and it never took me until now to think about it.

Quietly, I sniffled into his chest, and as a small tear came into contact with his wife-beater, the door creaked open. I looked up to find needy green eyes look at me.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

That was the first time I've seen Carlos cry in so long. Well seen wouldn't be the right word considering I heard him sob and felt that small wet spot where his tear fell. Then, he left me. I heard Kendall's voice.

They left. Opening my eyes, a flood of sunlight got to me. The lack of warmth came and I wanted to call out for him. I wanted to scream so loud that it'd shatter all the windows in the Palm Woods. I wanted Carlos back. I want him so badly, right here, in my arms.

I heard a moan escape from the bathroom. Getting up, I crept over to the door and opened it, poking my head out. I turn to find Logan's head out and suddenly I felt the bitter mixture of rage and disgust wash over me.

I heard it again and this time I could hear my heart shatter. The lustful cries were breaking me. It feels as though my worst nightmare came true. It was Carlos crying out and damnit, I wanted to make him croon like that! That should be me! That should have been me! Swallowing my rage, I closed the door, angry at Kendall for taking Carlos and for…for the damn erection in my basketball shorts.

No. I am not going to touch it. No matter how much I want to, no matter how badly I want to, I am not going to voyeur off those two. I just can't. Changing into jeans and a white tee with a black gothic cross on it, I charged out of the room, banging on Logan's door.

"Go away!"

"Logan, it's me James!"

The way he looked, was a surprise to me. Have you ever saw someone's true face? With their heart painted in their eyes, their tears streaked down to their chin and their soul stuttering at their lips? I've never seen Logan so weak before.

"Get changed, we're going to go out for a bit."

The genius obeyed without question, grabbing a pair of khaki shorts and a blue jacket.

We left.

Wordless. We were wordless, sitting at a local Starbucks with coffee sitting on our tables. We thought it was just a kiss, or at least a small relationship, something…just not that. Logan and I did not think they'd be having sex. And I don't even like coffee! My hands were trembling on my lap and Logan drank idly.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Logan, I am so-"

"I wanted him; that was supposed to me! But he chose Carlos. He chose Carlos!" Logan whispered hotly. Time to shut up now. I reached for that cup of grossness and took a shy sip, avoiding eye contact with Logan. I know he was crying.

Because I was crying too.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

As time went on, the sex with Kendall began to bother me less and less. I began using it as an escape; much like Kendall was using it as an escape from Jo, or something. Just like him, I'm escaping too. Escaping from the change, from the confusion of sexuality, from Logan's cold behavior, from _James._ The sex was gentle but passionless, just getting it in and done. We no longer kissed. We no longer cuddled. This to me, despite my overly affectionate behavior, was just fine.

I don't really want to cuddle with him anyways. I'm sure he has someone else to do that with.

A part of me wanted to love Kendall. To fall in love with him, so that the sex can be justified. I wanted him to have my heart so that this guilt of having sex with Kendall would leave me, so that it'd make sense right? So that it would force Logan to move on and for feelings I may possibly have for James to leave. But everyone knows it is wrong. It was wrong to have sex with someone you don't love and to fall in love with someone who will never feel the same about you. It was all wrong. I want things with Kendall and me to be right, to be ok.

I've been trying to remain my goofy self, though James doesn't really want to be around me anymore and Logan is just ignoring me. I wonder if they knew about the sex. I thought Kendall told no one. I sure didn't. Kendall would get me when the apartment was empty, or we'd go off to some secretive place and do it. We even did it in the Big Time Rush mobile. Kendall was the one that always came to me. I never rushed off to have sex with him. But we both knew that in the end, it was our escape.

The band was falling apart.

Maybe I'm the only sane one left in this house, but I can see it. We're falling apart.

After rehearsal, Gustavo let us home early so that we can prepare for an upcoming showing tonight instead of working on that urgent EP. It was at some brand new club, where the admission was for teenagers like us. It was odd though, because before we left, Gustavo and Kelly were acting…sad. I don't think that might be the right word to describe it, but it's like they were holding back how they were feeling. Did they see what was causing the rift between the four of us? Gustavo was not yelling like he usually does. Kelly wore a face more observant than usual. Everything was going _too_ smoothly.

Maybe they did see it.

James and Logan went down the pool while Katie and Kendall were out doing some errands. I was eating lunch while Ms. Knight was doing some laundry in the living room. It was silent but for once I didn't really care. Even loud energetic people like me need a little peace time, don't we?

"Carlos?"

I looked away from my food to see that Ms. Knight took a table and she was looking at me weirdly. What is it with everyone? Why are they all acting so differently?

"What's going on between the four of you boys? I know something is wrong, but I can't figure it out. As a mother, that scares me."

I dropped my fork ashamedly, gazing away from her. If I tell her, what will she say? I don't know how to simply tell her that I'm sleeping with her son, James is avoiding me and Logan is giving me the cold shoulder! What do I do?

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Carlos. Now tell me, or I will call Sylvia, Brooke and Joanna."

Oh, I remember the last time all the moms got involved in one of our disputes. And it did not end prettily. I still shudder at the thought of it.

"What if…what if what I am about to say is something I'm not exactly proud of. You might hate me for it."

"Carlos, you're like another son to me. So are Logan and James. No matter what you say, I can't hate you for it." Ms. Knight said fawningly. I blushed, and a small tear came to my face again. Damn crying. I hated crying. I have _always_ hated crying. I disliked the tears and sobbing and heartache to the point where I don't cry in front of people anymore. I've never cried in front of anyone.

"What if I say I slept with someone, and this someone is somebody who you care deeply about and the fact that I slept with this person repeatedly is damaging our band?"

"Well who did you have sex with?"

My face flushed at Ms. Knight. I never thought I'd be in this position of listening to her say that word.

"K-Kendall. He slept with me. A-and we…we have sex with each other to just escape all these pressuring things! And I didn't think about it but it's hurting them! It's hurting them. And Kendall doesn't love me and I don't love him and it's all wrong! It's all very wrong…"

Ms. Knight stared with bewilderment at me before getting up and hugging me.

"Ms. Knight, he doesn't love me. And I don't love him. I don't understand why we're having sex."

"Maybe you need to stand up to him? Carlos, it'll get worse if you don't speak up for yourself. Trust me; I made the same mistake a long time ago. Speak up. I know Kendall loves you, just like how James and Logan do. Maybe not the way you wanted him to but Kendall does love you. I know he does."

I didn't want to be there anymore. Dropping the plates in the sink without even washing them, I fled to the shower, the hot water splashing me again. I didn't say thanks to Ms. Knight. I didn't think about the sex with Kendall to be honest.

Truth was I wanted James to be here, holding me.

The club was bouncing away with life. The strobe lights were scanning the ground manically and dancers were circling the floor wearing skimpy outfits. I am very surprised that they let teenagers in a joint like this. The faint aroma of alcohol and drugs wafted the air. The dance floor was filled with people; singles, couples, guys with hordes of girls and girls with trailing guys flowing into the rhythm of the night. The walls were black yet they were contradicted with the streaks of neon design casting it a futuristic glow.

As Gustavo and Kelly went off in search of the club owner, with Freight Train in tote, the rest of us walked in, and the mass roared to life at us, cheering 'Big Time Rush' and chattering as they continued to party like it's hard. I watched as a couple of girls whisk Logan and James away and a pang of hurt got to me.

The way those _whore_ touched James, batting their eyes and the way they shake their crappy dresses, I'd throw water balloons full of expired strawberry jam at them! That'd teach them to touch James.

Why was I even being jealous? James was getting some!

I need to be happy for him…I really do. Not paying attention, I felt someone grab my hand as I was staring at the dance floor. It was James, his charming smile painted on his face. It hit me suddenly, because now I see that it's been so long since I've seen that smile on him, let alone him being so close to me.

"How about you and I dance?" He whispers alluringly into my ear, my face reddening for the billionth time. I didn't have time to respond, he took me away to the center of the club. His hands felt so nice. We were in the middle of the floor, the bass pounding unimaginably hard.

I did not know how to dance in a club. As James swayed to the beat with ease, I stood there stiff, and lifelessly. My best friend stopped, with a befuddled look on him.

"You don't know how to dance?" He mouthed, finding it pointless to yell across the masses.

"No…"

He took my hand again, his body pushed right into mine. We were in sync. All the meaningless noise became muted as we danced, my body swaying with his. This moment felt too right, and everything inside of me was screaming at this dream like feeling. I never want to be yanked from this place again. Right here with James, it's where I belong. His hands roamed freely around me, and he placed my hands on him as though inviting me to touch his godly body. I felt it again. I felt his heartbeat. Seeing it now, a part of me never wants to be away from James. Everything about him keeps me so close and so far all at once. My heart has never ached more than it has now, being so close like I am now. My heart has never been like this.

Thinking about it, I love James. With every grind and every move I make, all the flashbacks kept rerunning in my head and all I could see was just James. He was there for the good and for the bad. He was there when I was brilliant and when I was foolish. He was there when I wasn't me. He was there when I was too close to crying. He was there for everything.

I can no longer just push this feeling away. I love James. His hands and his heartbeat felt so right to me. It felt so complete against me. I realize now that all I want is for James to just be mine and mine alone and I will no longer be anyone else's, just his. Just James'.

These feelings were too much but too right. When I finally got it all together, I see now that I've always loved James, whether I knew it or not. As the song faded to its, James mouthed that he needed to check up on Logan, but I grabbed his hand.

"Please don't go." I messaged back.

He never did let go. He stayed with me. Some slower song came up, and it seems to be for couples as pairs and pairs of people showed up with gleeful smiles. James got close to me, and twirled around until he and I were face to face, spinning sweetly to the song. The song seemed sad. But the mood it set was just perfect. James held me tight, holding me as though I was the last hope he had. It felt so right, so very right and nothing could tear up this moment.

"I love you." He mouthed. And then his lips were onto mine. In that minute, I felt all of James pour himself into me. He did love me. I didn't care if the world had ended in that moment. I didn't care if someone came here and shot up the club. I wouldn't care. Because all that mattered were James and I, holding onto one another, kissing. His lips felt electrical on me, the sparks flying everywhere. Everything I was trying to run from, trying to escape from that was about James, all of a sudden…it felt so right. A bridge in the song came up, and James' hands rose up as he broke away from me with his eyes still locked on me.

Wrapping himself around me again, we held onto each other, and gazing up, his eyes were ignited with a passion that screamed for me. I didn't need words to know how he felt at this moment. James' eyes said it all. We let go when that song, too, came to an end. I wanted to dance more. To feel James with me. Everything told me it was so perfect, and best part of it all was that I knew James wanted that too. Then I saw Kendall come up to me, with the same look in his eyes; that of thirsty lust.

I did not want that right now.

The blonde grabbed my hand, and I tried to stop it. I didn't want it right now. In fact I did not want it anymore. No more. No more sex. No more guilt. No more secrecy. No more tearing up the band. I did not want any more of that. I should have done what Ms. Knight had said to me a long time ago and said no. This can't go any longer; it has to end now.

"Kendall stop, please!" I hollered, the club music roaring once more. There was no response, just more pulling me away from the dance floor, away from the one boy I did love, which was James. Kendall pulled me into the bathroom, after throwing some other couple out he locked the door, boxing me into a corner as his lips smashed into mine. I couldn't kiss back anymore. This room was gloomy, even with the neon lighting. It stank of sex and who-knows-what-else. I didn't want to be here at all. I just want to go home. I just want to sleep now. I just want to be away from this madness. My hands were against his chest trying to push away. He bit my lip and I gasped as his tongue dove right in and this wasn't right. It was so wrong! Kendall's hands found their way of getting my belt loose, yanking my dark jeans down with them.

"Hey what's the hold up?" Someone yelled and I recognized that it was James. I let out a muffled moan and Kendall pulled away to respond back. There was an awkward silence beyond the club pounding away. Then, out of nowhere the door burst forward and there stood James.

His face was desolated and his eyes were glossed with shock at the scene. The three of us stood there, each unsure of what to say or how to respond. James walked forward and with surprising force, he yanked me away from Kendall and then punched him! The blonde stumbled back against the tiled wall. I pulled up my pants, the belt clattering. I watched as the two repeatedly bulleted each other in full out slugs, slamming fist after fists into each other. I made the effort to yank them apart but this time it was to no avail. I fled, looking for Logan and when I did I had no time to tell him what was going. How I even found him was a miracle to begin with but I had no time to be in awe, I had to go back and stop them! Returning to the bathroom, there was a grotesque crowd and Logan and I shoved our way through.

The two tall boys in our band had bloodied faces; bruises so well blotched on their face it was hard to ignore. I wanted them to stop. James threw another punch and suddenly Kendall was slouched onto the floor. What I failed to expect was Logan's reaction to pounce on James. Those two batted it out and then they toppled onto me. The back of my head collided crudely against the tile and I felt dizzy.

All I could remember was Gustavo's yelling and the clicking of cameras as a mad mob of paparazzi swarmed around me with Freight Training plucking me up as I blacked out from the throbbing ache in my head.

Waking up, I found Logan sitting on the edge of my bed, holding a reddish, wet towel. I reached up and felt the back of my head, hissing to myself at the sting of my finger finding a small wound. Logan turned to face me and his face bore misery. We stared at each other for the longest time before James walked in, rubbing his hair with a towel. He still had scratches and bruises all over his face. James' eyes looked baggy and worn down and I can finally see that he's been lacking sleep. The two looked miserable. James looked at me briefly before dropping his face, glaring intently at the floor.

Outside from the hallways, I could hear yelling and angry words flying back and forth between three people. It turns out to be Ms. Knight, Kendall and Gustavo, with the two adults against Kendall. I couldn't fully make out their words but soon a door slammed followed by a disappointed sigh that only a mother could make at a child who done something foolish. But what's standing before us is beyond foolish. Our band, our friendship, our dreams were now being put on the line and we don't know what to do.

"James, can you come out to the hallway?" Ms. Knight requested, her voice laden with dead seriousness. James nodded, not even saying a word to us before stepping out. There were a lot of whispering and Logan just kept quiet.

"Logan?"

"Yes Carlos?" It was the first time I heard kindness in his words in so long. I crawled to him, and hugged him. He's not the same as James or Kendall but I knew he needed it. I hugged him, hoping that he can feel what I feel. Logan gasped, and a sob was let out. Without even knowing it, I too began crying with him. Everything was falling apart and none of us know what to do. I cried, my tears free falling without even caring anymore. I just needed someone to hear me gasp. I just need someone to hear my hurt in my voice.

It wasn't the sex that is killing our band. It was the consequences of it. I hate myself for it; for letting Kendall do what he did to me and worse, becoming desensitized by it. I should have stopped it but instead, I turned it into an escape from what I was running from. It was James I was running from. And the moment I realize everything that I could have with James was right, all of a sudden it breaks.

I love James.

The sex with Kendall is destroying my relationship with everyone else including Kendall.

I can't be here anymore.

"L-Logan, we need to go home."

"W-what do you mean?" he muttered, his breath ragged with self-anger.

"We need to b-be away from this madness. G-go back to M-Minnesota for a b-bit."

"But what about K-Kendall and J-James?"

"They'll understand. We just need to go home. Think a little. LA has d-done nothing but tore us apart."

The smart boy nodded, and I grabbed my phone, dialing Kelly. She didn't sound too happy, but after getting Gustavo's equally unhappy though surprising approval, we got two tickets home to Minnesota for two weeks. The flight will be at 7 AM, so we must get up early. We needed to be home. We needed clean air from this chaos. I can't be around here anymore, and Minnesota is the only place where everything was normal, where everything made perfect sense. Logan and I need to be there. Now.

James returned, and he wore a pissed off look. Ms. Knight was behind him, and she looked like she needed Logan and me. The two off us wiped our faces, our pride clinging onto the backs of our hands. The hallway was dimly lit, giving it an unwelcoming feeling. This apartment no longer felt like home. It just felt like an apartment.

The three of us sat at the kitchen table, Logan and I on one side while Ms. Knight on the other. Logan looked like he was about to fall apart again and Ms. Knight looked exhausted, like James. I kept my lips pursed and sat there.

"Boys, I –"

"Me and Carlos got tickets." Logan interrupted.

"Tickets to where?"

"To Minnesota; Logan and I need a small break from everything. I just called Kelly. She and Gustavo got us tickets for two weeks. We're packing tonight." I said, backing up Logan.

"Is this what you boys want?" Ms. Knight asked.

"Yes." We solemnly affirmed in unison. Logan took my hand, needing my reassurance. I wouldn't let go.

"Ok. What time is the flight?"

"Seven in the morning. Can you wake us up by four?" Logan requested. I nodded.

"Ok." She didn't want to say anymore, but knowing the mother that Ms. Knight is, she was equally afflicted by this as everyone else is. We need this. Logan and I need this. The conversation left a stale taste in my mouth. I feel like I have disappointed my own mother. In a small way, we're running away. But I'm scared to continue anymore right now. I feel like the longer I'm here, the more lost I'll become. I want James, but I need to think about this. I want to save Kendall from himself and from me, but it's all too much right now.

I just want to go home.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

I did not want to see Carlos at all. I saw the look on his face when I caught him and Kendall, and it wasn't a look of desperation, it was a look of guilt! He looked guilty! He probably was enjoying it too! I know I swore to be happy for him but right now, I cannot face him. I didn't know what was worse; catching them, punching Kendall or thinking that what happened on the dance floor, that Carlos may have felt the same way that I do.

The dancing, the closeness, I thought he really could have felt the same. I even worked up the guts to kiss him! And then he let Kendall snatch him away from me! How could Carlos do that to me? If anything, I felt like he fucked up my head! Carlos knows I rarely dump my emotions out too. He _knows._

Unfortunately, I _had_ to share a room with Carlos and as a result, he came in, face stoned in apathy. It was late at night; I'm positive everyone was asleep. I couldn't face him. I just couldn't. I was too angry with _everyone_ in this apartment to speak. Grabbing my iPod, I blasted whatever available song was on in a fruitless effort to calm myself down. But as predicted, it failed.

As the sound filled my ears, my eyes closed, trying to forget everything. I opened them again to see Carlos…packing. His cheeks had wet slivers on them again, and I watched as he put clothes into his duffel bag, not once looking at me. Where is he going? Is he changing rooms? I do not want to share a room with Kendall!

"What are you _doing_?" I muttered acidly. I didn't mean it like that.

Carlos looked to me, before wiping his tears. His eyes looked gently at the floor before hardening up at me, trying to mount a defense against whatever antagonistically uncontrollable thing may slip from my mouth.

"I'm _going_ home." He shot back bitterly.

"_WHAT?"_ I screeched. I didn't care if I woke up the damn neighbors, Logan, Kendall or even Ms. Knight and Katie; why the hell is he going home? I don't want him to leave me! No! This is _NOT_ acceptable! Bouncing up from my bed, I grabbed wrist, trying to halt him from packing any more. What caught me off guard was the punch he threw at me which sent me back onto the ground.

I leapt forward, pinning him down and below me, stopping him. He flipped me over and I flipped back. We wrestled harder trying to get the other to stop until eventually I was on top of him, his wriggling serving him no good. He bit his lip and as sexy as that was at that particular moment, I shoved that thought away as I demanded why he is leaving us? Kendall, Logan and I _need_ Carlos!

"Why the hell are you leaving?" I barked.

"To get away from all this_ fucking _madness!" He yelled back and I was caught off guard by his swearing. In the moment of awe, he heaved himself up and turned us over to where he was on top of me. I closed my eyes, waiting for him try and hurt my face but instead…I felt a tear drop onto me.

"Carlos…"

"I can't take it anymore; the sex, the band, the change, the arguing, you! It's all too much! It hurts too much! I just need space from it all! I can't do this anymore…"

I let him go. I got up and watched him pack.

"I'm sorry Carlos."

"Just save it, ok? I'll deal with you when I get back." That hurt.

"Carlos, I love y-"

"Stop it! I know you do? Why do you think I'm leaving? Because I need to think about this, ok? It's bad enough!"

"You know what Carlos? Fine. _Leave._ Ok? You think that this situation has been hard on you alone? Well it hasn't! All of us have been hurt by it, ok! I've been hurt! Logan has been hurt! Even Kendall and Ms. Knight have been hurt! No one has said anything until _now._ Dude, of all of us, you have changed the most! What happened to the Carlos that plays pranks on everyone, huh? What happened to the Carlos that makes quirky comebacks and knows how to have fun? Where? Where the hell is he, huh? I fucking miss him! He was my best friend! He was the person I could always go to! He was the person who put a smile on my face! He was the person who made me feel so perfect and beautiful even when everyone else made me feel so hideous and wrong! He was the person that _I FELL IN LOVE WITH_! He was the person I saw on the dance floor, the first time in so long. And ever since you started having sex with Kendall, I lost him…I lost the love of my life and not a day goes by where I wish I had him back. I wish that I could have taken all those weeks of not talking to you, of missing you and just reverse it all. I love you. Ok? I, James fucking Diamond loves you and I've always loved you. Not as a brother, not as a friend. No I mean love as in _fell in love._ Even before Big Time Rush. But then you had to run from it all! I should have never kissed someone like you. So pack up and leave. Ok? Just leave."

A rush of anger suddenly resurfaced in me, and I felt like I just lost control as my heart came up and out of my mouth. I never knew such anger and hatred could be harbored in my heart. Carlos dropped the clothes he held as he stared at me in disbelief, and never have I seen his eyes water up like that. It was as though my words have murdered him. I turned away because I couldn't face him.

It sucks, that after he finished, the both of us cried ourselves to sleep, clutching nothing but a pillow.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

I'm a really fucked up person. I really screwed up. I never meant for all of this happen. I stood in the bathroom, my hair soaked from the shower and as I looked into the mirror, I didn't see myself. I just saw a stranger. I know the others must hate for this. Especially Logan.

A long time ago, what happened with me and Carlos was supposed to be a one-time, experiment thing. It was a blinding moment of impulsive, feral lust. It was supposed to remain that way. But I never meant to prolong it. I never meant to stretch it out and become addicted to the sex. I must be a horrible person. I was so lost in the lust of fleeing what my heart felt that in the end, I'm the one destroying the band. And Carlos is taking the fault with me. He shouldn't though. This was never his fault. I feel guilty enough for breaking the band, for taking advantage of Carlos and for harming James.

Through the sex, I thought maybe I could love Carlos, so it can fade away. But it didn't. It just kept making my fears bigger and bigger.

All of this was my fault and I don't understand why I did it; I just did.

I know people make terrible choices. I know that. Now, I wish that I could undo everything. I never meant for things to be like this.

Sex with Carlos was my escape from my feelings. I only learned recently with Jo that I was in love with Logan. I kept pushing them back, arguing that it was just a friendship between Logan and me. As I tried to fight the feelings away with Jo, my resistance to brunette genius began to wear thinner and thinner. What drove me into Carlos, I honestly don't know. Maybe it was that losing Carlos would not be as bad as losing Logan. Maybe it was because having feelings for Carlos might put a permanent end to the feelings for Logan. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just needed an escape. Carlos never said no. My heart was trying to get as far as it could from the truth though, and I regret letting myself be swept away by it, because now, Logan won't talk to me, Carlos and James probably hate me and my mother is embarrassed to look at me.

Out of anger, I punched the mirror. I watched the glass shimmer as shards slashed at my hand and clattered into the sink. Mom's bedroom was furthest away from the bathroom so I'm positive she didn't hear the crash.

"Kendall, are you alright?"

It was Logan. I didn't say anything but opened the door to him. He was in his pajamas, which consisted of a gray t-shirt and plaid boxers. His eyes grew horrified at the crimson drops into the sink. There was glass everywhere, and my hand stung. Not that it really mattered, my face already hurt from the punches I got from James. The bruises on my body were still there, throbbing even. The first aid kit banged clumsily onto the counter top next to me as I hopped up on the counter after some of the glass was swept away. Logan's face was red, and I realized that I only had a towel on. I could hear rain tap against the windows faintly out in the hallway as Logan picked at my hand, getting the shards out. The medical alcohol he padded on me didn't feel as bad as what my turbulent mind was surging through. Logan shouldn't be helping me. I don't deserve it.

I am so stupid. If I could, I'd undo everything. I honestly would.

"Logan I…I have to tell you something."

"No Kendall, no. I know. You've been having sex with Carlos."

I blushed, but let him continue fixing my hand. So he knew…

Logan looked so beautiful but so sad. The way his eye glimmered yet, he looked like he was about to cry. His lips waved softly, like he's trying to hold back his words. I know I've been causing him some kind of pain. If I had the guts to just tell Logan the truth of how I feel instead of running off and hurting Carlos along with everyone else, maybe instead of crying, he'd smile.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it? Punching the mirror, I mean."

"I…I lost control."

"Oh." He grumbled, wrapping gauze all over my palm.

We looked at each other, and there was something in his eyes, that screamed for me to just say what I feel. I want to come out of the hiding that my heart and my head want so badly. We eyed each other for so long that I forgot to breathe. Logan now stood between my legs and we still had our eyes locked in such a trance that was euphoric. I cannot truly explain it. I cannot just look away. For the first time, I've never seen such feelings so transfused into someone's captivating eyes like Logan's. Our heads sunk a little closer, and time was slowing down. Next thing I knew, his lips were on mine.

His lips felt like home. Like they belonged there, against my own. They weren't dead kiss like the ones I gave Carlos, where they were lifeless and despairing. Every shift of his lips released wave after waves of exotic earthquakes inside of me and I couldn't help it, I just melted into Logan. This wasn't some simple lock of the lips, or like those cheese scenes in the movies with the heart-wrenching symphony pouring into the background. He pulled away and with a sniffle, tried to leave. I grabbed his hand and I wouldn't let go.

Logan cried. I pulled him into my chest and his tears mixed in with the droplets of water from the shower.

"Logan, don't cry. Please just don't cry." I hummed tenderly into his shoulder, and now, I was trying to bite back my lips from making a sob. Logan did not need me to cry. He needed me to be strong while he is crying.

"Kendall this is wrong! How can you kiss me? You love Car-"

"I like you."

"Wha-, why? Why me?"

"Because…because…" I felt my words freeze. If I can't tell Logan how I feel now, I know for sure that I'll never be able to tell him.

"Because a part has always liked, no, I have always loved you. It took me a pointless relationship and meaningless sex to realize that you're everything I want. I can't say need because I know I can live without you. But I don't want to. I don't want to continue the sex with Carlos or trying to pursue Jo because I realize now that I love you. _Just you_. I fought hard too, Logan, to stop these feelings. I tried to convince myself that this was just a part of having a best friend like you. That these feelings were so irrelevant. That they were not real. But with every passing moment, every second, every part of me felt like it was dying because they were real. I feel horrible about this but even though I used Carlos to run from these feelings, it didn't stop them. They became all the more real. I don't want to run from this anymore. I love you Hortense Logan Mitchell."

Logan looked at me for so long that I thought time would have stopped. Until his lips met mine. We kissed over and over, and getting off the counter, we shuffled into the hallway and with every step of the way Logan's kisses pushed me back further into the darkness. Not that I minded, because I had him leading the way. Logan had pushed me down onto his bed and all that got to my head was his scent; all over the pillows and sheets and it sent my head way too high because all I could do was smell Logan's intoxicating aroma.

"Logan, I'm so sorry."

"Kendall, it's fine."

"I should have done this long ago."

Reuniting our lips, Logan was in between my legs again, wrenching my towel away, letting the cold air hit my crotch. Even though the bed lamp made the room somewhat gloomy and repressive, I've never seen Logan look so beautiful. A guttered moan came from my lips as Logan grabbed my dick, curiously massaging it. This felt so right, so natural, and I can't believe that it _is_ happening. I was becoming harder; my face aglow a crazy shade of red and my mind was short-circuiting at Logan's touch. My arms snaked around the smaller boy's neck and I rendered him breathless as I kissed him. I begged for entrance with my tongue. He let me in. The inside was beyond what my mind could ever conjure up. His taste was innocent and longing, it was sincere and loving. It was everything I ever thought the perfect kiss was.

I began to thrust erratically with every stroke of his hand; his hand was so good! I can't explain it but even as something as a handjob would do me the best for the rest of my life. His hand worked so magically over my cock, the texture of the faint calluses sky-rocketing my nerves into a blinding nirvana as he kept rubbing the pre-cum all over me.

Every kiss and every stroke was edging me closer to release; I can practically taste it off of Logan's supple lips. My orgasm was so close and suddenly Logan just stopped amidst all the glory. I pleaded, a whimper vibrating in my throat and my dick throbbing at him. I hated whimpering. I hated feeling weak. But never in my life have I felt so loved by someone like Logan.

"Logan, I love you, I love you," I mewled, my eyes so dilated just at the sight of Logan. He stood up, lifting his shirt and tossing it to the soft carpet. I got up and yanked his boxers down. I felt my cheeks tighten along with my member as I looked at Logan's. I didn't know how big to be exact, but I know by a long shot, that he was bigger than me. Dropping to my knees, I took his member into my mouth even before he could protest. I've never been this submissive before, but I didn't care; it was now or never. The head of his dick poked the back of my throat, going a little deeper. A moan vibrated its way up, making the two of us shutter in sheer pleasure. Bobbing my head repeatedly, I grasped Logan's butt cheeks, squeezing them, touching them, enjoying the bubbliness that I've always thought they had.

I felt the tiredness in me, but I wanted to keep going. Logan pulled at my hair, forcing me to jolt at the shock of my nerves were making. I've never been this turned on in my whole life. His fist that was entangled with my blonde hair gripped harder as I sucked more and more and Logan whispered sweetly into the dim room. I kept moaning around his dick, and the more he tugged, the more my dick begged to be touched. Logan pulled me off of him, and I looked up at him. He yanked me into my empty bed, kissing my neck and my shoulder. I gushed out incoherent words.

I murmured a noise for him to stop, Logan released my hair and I stared up at him. I pointed to the night stand, and he knew what I wanted without any words. My face reddened once more as I watched Logan bend over slightly, showing off that cute butt of his. He tossed me the condom and he looked down at my sheets. I gave him a confused look.

"Logan I ummm…I want you in me."

The way his face morphed with embarrassment and shyly he looked at me with pleading eyes. I got up and took his hand, gazing at his fingers.

"Logan, I really do love you. And I want you to have me, down there. I want you to be my first, doing it _that_ way."

"But Kendall, I just-"

"Logan, I was a dumbass for screwing Carlos and dating Jo, and I…I'm trying my best to make things right. This may not be right in your eyes, but I've never wanted to give something so special to someone more than I have being here, giving you my ass. I love you Logan. I really do."

I collapsed onto the bed with a seductive thud, and as I uncapped the bottle of lube, I felt Logan's eyes against me. Shuddering, I glossed the lube all over my fingers, and with a soft nudge, I pressed my index finger against my entrance. It _hurt!_ How Carlos was able to do this was impressive now that the roles have changed. I felt my finger sink in more, and I groaned as my nail brushed against that spot inside of me. I added my middle finger next, jabbing happily at the bundle of nerves. I closed my eyes, and I imagined it was Logan doing this, even though he was there watching in awe. Something gripped my wrist from wriggling anymore, and when I cracked my eyes open, I saw that it was Logan, pulling my hand away. He pressed a wet finger into me, and I arched my back at his touch. Holding him, I felt him press another finger into me, and I crooned Logan's name. Logan pulled out and I whined at the loss of touch. I saw him slip on the condom.

Lying down, I watched Logan shiver at the feeling of lube being slathered on his dick. He lifted my legs and I locked them around him. I turned my face to the side as I felt the head of his member brush faintly ass and as he steadied himself, we gazed at each other for the last time. Next thing I knew, his dick crammed its way inside me slowly, and my eyes were sewn shut at the excruciating feeling of his cock making its way inside of me. I rocketed up, my fingers clamping on Logan's shoulders while my ass clamped Logan down below. We both cried pleasurably.

"L-Logan, oh god, Logan!" I gasped, feeling his penis finally sheath itself inside of me. I let go of his shoulders for a bit, and looking at my hand I drew blood. But Logan smiled at me, his dimples obvious at the pleasure we were feeling. His head rubbed against my head. His dick poked at the special set of nerves inside of me.

"Kendall, y-you alright?"

I bucked my hips against his crotch, trying to give him my best adventurous smile.

"Logan can you move now."

As clichéd as this sound, Logan's dick was causing me both this wondrous yet horrendous feeling in my ass. With every shove the genius made, I gripped his shoulders even more. I clenched so tightly to Logan that my nails finally broke the breath he was holding and in turn he latched his mouth against my neck. Biting me, I threw my bottom into Logan, gyrating even more as he speared this euphoria into me. My dick got solid once more, eager to be touched. Through all of this, nothing has ever felt more right than being here with Logan. Logan pumped into me mercilessly, talking into my skin. When his head came up from my neck, I kissed him, my tongue twirling joyfully with his. His cock repeatedly jumped inside of me, and the more Logan had thrust into me, the harder he got. I wish this could go on forever.

He pulled out.

"What the hell bro?" I cried, too loudly as I got a knock from the other side of the room. I could feel my ass quivering just being empty of Logan.

Logan reclined down, lying on his back with his dick pointing up.

"R-ride me." He whispered seductively. Jumping on top of him, I awkwardly sank myself on him. I moaned. Logan placed his hand on my mouth, trying to silence me until he was completely inside of me again, and at this angle, I can just feel my own dick trying to explode. Logan's hand went from my mouth to my cock, teasing and pinching the head. I bounced on Logan like a pogo stick, smiling embarrassingly with every nerve-blinding stab of his dick. I could feel it. My orgasm is so close, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it. I bit my lip hard. Logan stroked my dick harder.

"I'm so close."

The love of my life didn't say anything except grunt. Logan pulled out, tugging the condom off his dick. Making room so that we were even, I grabbed his dick. Holding it next to mine, I stroked, enjoying the feeling of our dicks jumping in ecstasy. No longer holding back, I came. Cum gushed out, covering our bodies. I didn't need to see it because all this pleasure had my eyes shut but I felt it. And it felt _amazing._ Settling down, I rolled to the side, looking at him, at his face, at his eyes, his nose, his lips, his everything. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Logan. Yawning, I clung to him, smiling sheepishly. Logan squirmed, and I figured it was because of the semen on him. Oh well. I'll be honest; it's hot with him covered in my semen.

"I love you," I muttered hoarsely, holding Logan as sleep whisked me away.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

I am terrible at goodbyes. Scribbling a note down, I placed it on the bedside, before taking one last glance at Kendall. My bags were set, organized and perched in the hallway. I could still hear Carlos packing hectically. I am dazed by last night. I can't believe it happened. The sex, the kissing, the confession, all of it kept swarming my head like a lost school of fish, running in circles repeatedly. It feels too surrealistic, and the logical part of me doesn't want to take that chance. What if Kendall _doesn't_ love me? What if he just used me like he used Carlos? I can't just take sex as evidence that he loves me. It isn't substantial. It isn't _real_. Carlos was going to make us late for the flight. Stepping out, I saw Ms. Knight trying to help him pack, a pair of dinosaur printed boxers flying into the air along with other random articles of clothing. Shaking my head, I silently joined them in packing for the trip.

We were wordless but here I am, standing by the door way to our bedroom. My heart was beating at a speed beyond comprehension. I looked at Kendall one last time. His lips quivered in his sleep. Kendall clutched the blanket roughly, his brow slightly wet from sweat. I want to cuddle, but I can't. Striding soundlessly to his sleeping form, I crouched down, kissing his forehead.

"I'm so sorry, but I need to go." I whispered against those bushy eyebrows of his.

The door closed and we left.

The terminals of LAX were busy as ever. By now Ms. Knight was long gone, almost two hours ago, having said her quiet farewells with worn eyes. We checked the bags in, not saying much while the senior behind the counter lurch our bags sluggishly onto the conveyor belt. Oddly enough, Carlos didn't over pack this time, considering when we first arrived to LA on plane, he had way too much beyond the weight limit of the luggage passengers can have. While I was paying the airline worker, Carlos went to fetch breakfast. People were coming and going, and multiple languages flew through the corridors, from French to Japanese to Russian and so on. The huge window panes were spotless of prints. But no fans stopped for either of us. For the first time in so long, I felt normal. No flashing lights. No screaming of our names. No Big Time Rush. Just me and Carlos, walking. Normal.

Gate N3, Flight 278 to Saint Paul, Minnesota. We stood at the gate, sipping coffee as we looked at the orange lit sign signaling our flight to be here at seven on Saturday, which is about half an hour from now. A part doesn't want to go. I wonder, am I a bad person for forgiving someone easily? So maybe Kendall didn't hurt me directly, but he did. The logical mind guides me to the path that wants to forget him, but my heart wants him. People say follow your heart, but I was also raised to follow my head.

I look back; I remember when Kendall forgave me for my mistakes, and for the times I've lashed out or taken someone else's side than his. I remember how he was there for me when I was struggling to keep Camille. I remember when I was there for him when things with Jo got rocky. And through all of that, maybe it's a sign we were meant to be. That we were meant to be there for one another, if I let him and when he lets me.

I wonder if love does that. If it makes you hold onto the wrong for a reason to ambiguous that it's hard to determine if it is right or wrong. What if I am not meant to leave but to go back to Kendall?

"You ready?"

I turned to Carlos, shaking my head. But I'm here anyways.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

Something wasn't right. Flailing my arms around, I searched my bed, looking for the boy I was holding onto. Opening my eyes, Logan was gone. There was no dip in the bed, no second breath against my chest, and I can now see that Logan was gone. Bolting up from the bed, I yanked up a pair of boxers, finding small bruises on my chest to my stomach. Covering them up with an old shirt, I ran out the door. I scavenged the rooms, peaking in the bathrooms, and even James' room, only to find Carlos missing too. The apartment door slammed in the distance. I strode to find my mom yawn as she settled two bags of what appears to be breakfast on the table.

"Morning Kendall, why are you up early? It's almost six in the morning, on a Saturday."

"Where's Logan?"

She averted her eyes. My mom _never_ averts her eyes unless…unless something has happened, something bad. I clenched my fist, breath trapped in my still cheeks as I gazed hard at her.

"Logan and Carlos were dropped off at the airport, they'll be going home for a little bit."

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

_-Dream-_

_I have no clue where I am or why the hell I'm wearing white. I don't even like wearing white; too innocent for someone fly like me. All I could see were huge window panes and the sound of jets soaring high into the crystal blue sky, leaving streams of spiraling clouds. I heard a ghost like whisper beckoning my name and turning, I found Carlos, wearing white as well. He stared at me and I stared back. A small gray duffel bag was slouching at his feet. _

_He looked defeated, as though he witnessed someone die before him. But this place, as it appears to be an airport, was too serene for some thought like that._

"_I'm sorry James."_

_I nodded, feeling too confused to say anything. I watched as Carlos plucked the bag off the ground and sling it to his back as he walked away._

"_I love you." The Latin boy murmured into the corridor, disappearing from my sight. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to leave me here, alone. I dashed, going after him, but every step brought me one step ironically further away, as though he were stepping in miles instead of feet._

_I screamed. I screamed for him to come back. I screamed, hearing my voice bounce uselessly against the wall. Everything around me blurred but I felt like I was going nowhere and now Carlos _was_ gone._

_-End of dream-_

I woke up to see Kendall fully dressed and shaking my arm incessantly, a panic and terribly frightened look cursed on his usually confident face. Damn I'm too observant sometimes.

Why the hell is he bothering me? It's bad enough I had to deal with that horrible dream. It's bad enough that he fucked the love of my life. It's even worse now that I think about it, I'm too angry to even feel the hurt at the realization that I drove the one person I love out of my life for good. Fuck Kendall, fuck love, and fuck everything along with it. End of story.

Lying still as a corpse, I kept my eye lids closed, listening to him ramble into the air.

"James, please wake up, I'm begging you…"

Begging? That's a first. Kendall Knight, the hot blonde with too much pride and honor in his blood is _begging_ my sleepy arm to wake up? Maybe it's a little more serious than I thought. Stirring, I got up, shooting an angry look at him.

"_What?"_

"We need to go to the airport, I need to see Logan, we gotta go."

"I'm not going?"

Kendall had cast one of the most appalled looks at me, his green eyes widened with sheer shock at my reply. Next thing I knew, he yanked me up by my shirt, flailing me as if I were some rag doll, wailing so loudly Ms. Knight and Katie were watching by the door way. I ripped his hands off of me, slamming Kendall to the carpet, punching him. Before Ms. Knight could even intervene, Kendall shot up slamming my jaw into the bed before slugging my gut. Crouching, I drove my fist into his eyes, a small crackle emitting from his nose when my fist collided.

"ENOUGH!"

The two of us turned to see Katie walk towards us, her foot brutally crushing Kendall's right leg and her left hand yanking my precious hair with the strength no twelve year old would normally posses. Gripping her brother's ear as though it were bike handle, Kendall and I both cried ow over and over until Katie towed us to the couch, with her mother tagging along with a bemused look.

Letting go, Katie spoke.

"I have _had it!_ Up until now, I've been kicking it in the background, letting you guys do your thing. I saw all the drama, I'm not stupid, but my god, you four are BEST FRIENDS! How can you guys drive each other to this point? Kendall, if you loved Logan, you should have just told him! Not hide behind Jo and then go off doing the naughty with Carlos. And James! If you loved Carlos, you should have just told him from the very beginning, not drive him away. Do you think I'm some stupid little kid? I heard Kendall and Logan moaning all night and the yelling and screaming you and Carlos were making! Now get your head out of your butts and go to the airport or so help me I _will _get the press all over this! NOW!"

I glimpsed at Kendall who wore the same baffled look and I got up to go get dressed. As I shut the door, I heard Katie mutter something about needing Camille and Jo to teach her more kung fu.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Ten minutes. Kelly preferred that we fly first class, but I insisted we flying Economy, for the sake of staying low profile; things were already bad enough, we didn't need any more publicity on our drama. The line was long, full of families and business people alike, chattering. I guess that proves the world doesn't stop even when my own seems to be falling apart. Logan and I stood in the crowd, waiting for the line to go. We were last up, and they were calling for our tickets.

Stepping forward.

Fuck this shit.

Screw James. All I could hear in my head were his angry words. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't care about me anymore. His words said it all, right? He doesn't love me anymore. I just need to get out of this town.

"Carlos I can't go."

One step back.

"What, why?"

"Carlos, I… I just can't. This isn't right for me. I can't just leave him."

"But Logan! Don't you remember why we are leaving? To put this mess back together? We got screwed over! James screwed me over and Kendall hurt you by hurting me! We _need _to go."

"Carlos, I can't. I know things are so messed up right now. I know they are. But something tells me running away isn't going to fix this. Kendall did hurt us, and James did hurt you. They did. I can't go though. I need to face it. Maybe for you, distance might be good, it isn't for me though. You don't want to hear this, because you hate being alone and I get that, but I can't just run. They were running from us too, you know, just as much as we were running. And by running I mean avoiding the problems that are breaking the four of us apart."

No. No, no, no!

My eyes were stinging with tears, as though they were drenched in mace, and not even looking at Logan, I fled to the airplane, blindly handing over my ticket and ignoring others as I shoved my way to my seat. I feel like I've officially lost it all. I lost the person I looked up to when things went bad. I lost the person who guided me with logic and compassion. And most of all, I lost the person who loved me for me. The jets outside roared to life, and even when the strangers looked at me, and girls gasped with surprise, my mind faded away into the darkness of sadness. I wished everything would go back to how they be. I wish Kendall hadn't kissed me that one day, that Logan wouldn't hate me, that James would never had made me fall in love with him.

Yeah, that's right. I'm in love with James. James William Diamond. Looking back, at how he touches my heart and my hand, I just can't push this feeling away anymore. Not that it matters really. James doesn't want me anymore. If I'm not perceived (another one of Logan's words) as a whore to him, I'm definitely a bitch to him then. I treated him like an abused dog, beating him with my senseless words instead of my hands (well ok, maybe I did) and I can never take those actions and things back. The guilt is clawing at me. If he doesn't remember the way I treated him, I will. I hurt our friendship with punching him and harming him. I damaged our trust with the sex behind his back. I ruined what chances I had when I disregarded the fact that he loved me. That he was in love with me.

Cold, unwelcoming air whispered against my cheeks as I walked out of the airport. Dad was on his way to get me. By now, I've cleaned my face and composed myself so that I would look relatively normal. My dad was as cheerful as ever, hugging me with bear like strength, lifting me off the ground in a way like James did before blabbering away at how much mom and him have missed me.

"Carlos_, ¿estás bien? Usted parece triste. Esto no es como tú_."

"_Estoy bien papá ... por favor no te preocupes."_

"_Hijo, yo tal vez antigua, pero no soy estúpido. Siempre me puede decir nada. Creo que."_

Dad knew better than to push my limits; after all I never push his, but I knew he would not let this go. Knowing dad, when he wants to know something, he'll really investigate it.

Right now, though, I just need to let everything go for a bit and try and enjoy Minnesota while I still can.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

I hope he can understand. Holding back a tear, I trekked back to get my luggage and fetch a taxi.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

We didn't make it.

Arriving at the airport, we didn't check the time, only to find the four of us an hour late. By now, the two must be nearly over Oklahoma or something. James and I sat on the orange couch, the room lifeless as thin strings of light poured in from the shades. We were late. Mom left us, saying she had to take Katie to another audition for some commercial. No words were exchanged between us. For three hours, the both of us had remained there, thinking so hard until it had reached the point where the silence was drilling into our eardrums.

"I'm sorry James."

I am sorry. I am sorry for using Carlos, for jeopardizing the stability of Big Time Rush, for everything.

James looked at me with stony eyes, those dark brown pupils not waving. But he scooted next to me and hugged me. This was the first me and him have actually hugged in a long time. I had no place to cry, but I felt James break against my shoulder as I patted his back.

"Ever since you and Carlos did stuff, I felt my heart break each day. I kept thinking that he'd fall in love with you. I did. And it was painful, because I love him. Logan even watched me try to be strong through it all. But it hurt every day. Because of it, our band was endangered, Logan isn't talking to anyone anymore and Carlos is just…gone."

James, who was confident and cocky, who was equally arrogant and stubborn as me, was also down on his knees with pain.

"James, do you want to know the truth behind why I did what I did with Carlos?"

I know this maybe the worst time to say what I plan on saying but what if this may also be the best time?

"James, I had sex with Carlos because I was weak. I was weak to admit to my feelings. Carlos, at the time, was no different than Jo was; a distraction. Carlos was a distraction to me. Because I did not want to believe that my feelings for Logan were true. That I was in love with him. I thought at the time, that having sex with Carlos would be a good distraction, because he got rid of my frustration, and that he was an escape. Eventually, it wore off. And reality came back, when I began to see exactly who I was hurting. I put you, Carlos and Logan in the worst pain and I can never take back my actions. I swear, when I see them again, I will make it up to them. I promise you that. And I promise to do whatever it is to make things right with you too."

James parted from me, and with honest eyes, smiled small and shyly, something not like him.

"Kendall, apologizing to me for what you did means a lot, but I think the real people you need to apologize to be Logan and Carlos. It'll take time, but I forgive you."

The two of us left the apartment, in need of a distraction. We fled the paparazzi that bombarded us with questions on the whereabouts of Carlos and Logan, and evaded Jo and Camille who were in equal concern. We went to the beach, and just opened up about everything.

About James loving Carlos.

About me loving Logan.

And for a moment, I felt my sanity returning just a little.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

Embracing him is one of the best experiences in the world, at least to what I have felt it is.

When I finally reached the Palm Woods, after getting trapped in traffic all day followed by the mob of journalist and photographers trying to gouge my eyes out with their recorders and cameras, I was able to knock on the apartment door. James opened it, and I ran past him after saying an awkward hello before staring at Kendall as he stared at me back while rising from the couch. Then he ran up and embraced me. I missed the touch of his. I missed the feeling his arms give me as they encircle my body, pulling me so close to his heart.

How something can be so wrong can be so right all at once? I guess that's what makes this situation clichéd, but does it matter? No.

I didn't want to cry, because I'm here for the one thing I believed was right. That was being here, being sheltered next to Kendall. Does it matter that I might be making the wrong decision? Does it matter that I want to be with the one person who has hurt me with their actions? Does it matter that I want to be held by the boy who could not tell me the truth? No.

We looked so hard into each other's eyes, and with my hand reaching up, I yanked him down into a kiss so hard, I could feel his heart racing into his ribcage. I didn't care if James was shocked by what I am doing; what mattered the most is the fact that I am right here, hugging the man that I love.

Parting ways, I turned back to find James staring at the doorway, his shoulders slouched with heartache for the missing Latino.

"James I-"

I didn't get a chance to finish as he ditched us for his bedroom. We let him be. We can't fathom the pain James could possibly be feeling right now.

Returning to my room, I organized my clothes back to where they belonged. Kendall watched with eyes so glued immaculate on me that it made me stop and blush a little. Finishing, Kendall got himself situated around me again, and I couldn't help but smile brilliantly at the warmth.

I realize now that, when you love someone, a true test of it is to see whether or not you can withstand their flaws; that if you love them, despite what they have done wrong, despite what they failed to do right, you would somehow find a way back to them. Thinking about it, Kendall isn't perfect. I love him regardless.

"I should have told you long ago instead of running from it Logie."

"I've missed you calling me that."

"Carlos didn't come with you?"

It was not my place to talk about the matter of Carlos' absence. He chose to go because he needed to go. His heart had set him in that direction, and who am I to stand in the way of that? Carlos is smarter than what most people give him credit for.

"He did what was necessary to heal. I was in no place to prevent that."

"The best thing we can do then is to cheer James up."

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"Ahhh Carlos, _estás en tu casa! He echado mucho de menos! ¿Cómo ha sido Los Ángeles a ti, querido_?" Mamá greeted, placing pan of enchiladas down as she hugged me, her spice scented gloves patting me with endearment.

"_LA ha sido bueno conmigo, pero necesito un descanso mamá. Puedo ver que usted está haciendo enchiladas! ¿Van a hacer pronto?"_ I eagerly asked, feeling my tummy rumble with joy at the scent of mom's homemade cooking. Home has not changed at all. The same furniture, the same smell of South American cooking, the same carpet with footprints of my childhood all over it.

Papá not once said a word to me since we got home. He knew something was bothering me, and he also knew I wasn't going to tell him easily.

Dinner went nicely and the three of us ate soundly in silence, enjoying each other. But they knew this was not normal. They knew I was always chatting. Hell, even I knew they were suspecting that something was very wrong.

"_Cariño, ¿estás seguro de que está bien? Usted no se ha hablado tanto. Eso es inusual. ¿Qué pasó que te hizo querer volver a casa sin ni siquiera para hacernos saber de antemano?"_

I gulped in silence, not sure of what to say next. I feel as though I have been caught in the head lights of a semi. I don't know what to say. Dropping my fork and watching it clatter against the plate was certainly not going to help me. Papá moved closer to me, eager for me to speak.

"_Mamá, tengo una confesión que hacer. Llegué a casa porque estoy confundido acerca de mis sentimientos por James. Puede ser que sea en el amor con él. Pero metí la pata y lo hirió gravemente."_

What I did not expect was my mother blushing madly before leaving the table. A door slam had echoed from upstairs as papá and I sat their quite quietly at the dinner table.

"_Hijo, esto es sinceramente inesperado. Lamento que las cosas no se ven bien con James. No estoy enojado con usted para tener sentimientos por él, sin embargo, estaba anticipando por algún tiempo ahora esta realidad. Dale tiempo a tu madre. Siendo criado como católico, es difícil para ella adaptarse a este tipo de cosas."_

"_Pero papá, no hay más a él que apenas atornillar sobre James. Big Time Rush está a punto de caer en pedazos! Logan me odia, Kendall y yo éramos ex-compañeros de sexo y James ... nunca me perdonará. Pensé que las madres esperaban de sus hijos, papá_._"_

"_Eso es verdadero hijo. Pero usted debe hacer lo correcto. Kendall y son amigos, y también lo son usted y Logan y James. Cuando se siente bien, ir a hablar con ellos. Usted sabe que mi mejor amigo, oficial de Antonio Romano, ¿no? Él vino a mí hace algún tiempo. No tiene problema con los homosexuales, sólo quiero que seas feliz. Su madre puede necesitar algo de tiempo, así que por favor sea paciente.__"_

I sat their dumbfounded as my dad collected our plates, whistling Big Night as he did the dishes like it was nothing, even after having watched his wife walk out on their only son.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

It is hard being here without Carlos.

It has been about two days since Carlos had departed for Minnesota and it has been hard. Gustavo called us to let us know that due to Carlos being absent, we have the next two or so weeks off. He didn't even sound like the same cocky self; our producer/manager pretty much had a defeated and tired tone that was far from what we were used to. I love Kendall and Logan, but right now I want to be left alone, and them insisting on watching Spongebob Squarepants with them was not being helpful.

Seeing their efforts were not working, the couple left with slouched shoulders as I remained in my room brooding.

The apartment was still. I just woke up from my sleep. The alarm clock read 11:23 pm, and not a sound was made throughout the apartment. Before coming to LA, I'd actually sleep in the nude, but since arriving, I've opted to sleeping in wife beaters and boxers. Slipping on some sweatpants, I silently exited 2J, heading to the elevator.

With sunglasses in hand, I left the Palm Woods, guising myself as I walked out into the streets of LA. This town was a shady place despite its surrealistic promises of fame, yet at night it was even more dubious. Hookers and pimps lingered around the streets with men of all origins coming around, getting women left and right while the lone women were sluggishly wobbling around the streets in a drunken daze, eyes widened by the flashing neon of the stores and bars. They dressed in clothes only my mother could afford, and I felt out of place.

Carlos was the only person who really motivated me to look nice when out in public. Sure, my mother too also insisted I look flawless in public, but without Carlos here, I don't see what is wrong looking like crap as I walked around Los Angeles. Men, women, boys and girls all around came up to flirt with me but my heart was not up for the attention. Especially since flirting and praising usually gives rise to my mood, but right now even their promiscuous maneuvers were failing me.

Heading into a bar, the bouncer didn't even acknowledge the fact that I was a minor, and walking on, the odor of sex and drugs wafted around me. I sat at the bar, ordering some Patron.

I just want to forget. Just let my mind wander off into the darkness of alcohol so that I can escape the horror of this reality because in truth, I miss him. Taking a sip, I saw a girl, about my age, drinking alone. Her hair was a lush onyx color, reaching down to her spine in wave lengths. Her lips were plump and glossed, reflecting in the light like rubies as she smiled at me. This vixen walked up to me, with a grin so notorious and ferocious, she looked like a Charlie's Angel. Seductive, selective, dangerous, it was what this girl was radiating off herself as she introduced herself to me as Connie. We chatted, and she ordered the second drink. But time was lost, and before I knew it, my head was spinning off its axis and she had to call a cab for us, with the same bizarre smile on her.

I wondered if she drugged me or something. Sitting in the cab, Connie inched herself close to me, and her lip slipped against my own. But this was not right. I did not want to kiss her, yet my lips thirsted for another smooch. My mind immediately thought of Carlos, and I couldn't help but feel my heart weaken.

I tore myself away in my drunken haze, and I yelled for this cab to stop. She left with a disgusted smirk but it didn't matter to me.

I just wanted to go home. But my home was not here. No, he is somewhere else.

He is far away as far can be.

Because my words drove him away when all he needed was for someone to hold him and make him understand what neither of us could comprehend.

I miss Carlos, and parts of me on the inside feel like it cannot be doing this anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"Carlos –"

"Papá, no more Spanish please. I am upset right now."

It's been about five days, eight hours, 25 minutes and 56 seconds since mamá has last spoken to me. She has not once said a word to me because I am confused about my sexuality and the fact that I might be in love with James. She has done nearly everything in her power to avoid me! Taking overtime at work, working the weekends, no longer cooking dinner, and it is both saddening and annoying me greatly.

"Son, you know as well as I know that your mom is having a hard time adjusting to this. Her Catholic faith is what is holding her back."

"But papá, she is my mother! No matter what, she should always love me!"

"Son, you are right. But remember, not all people are perfect. People make mistakes. And this is your mother's mistake; not accepting you for you."

I disregarded that previous part because the one thing my dad said had struck me the most; that people do make mistakes. James didn't make any mistakes, he was not at fault for what my heart could not control. And a part of me wanted to make him at fault for that.

I love James. I don't know how so, but that's all I know.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh my goodness. The end of part one. Well thanks for reading this! Critic and Review please!<strong>

**Chrissy C:**


	2. Chapter 2

**The EP**** - Big Time Rush Fanfic by fckyeahcc**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters, the show or anything, nor is this based on any of the singers' real life. I am not responsible for you being disgusted with slash and/or homosexual pairings. Also, I'll be adding an OC, but it will not affect the pairings (hopefully), if you do not like, oh well.

**Summary:** What happens when the moment you sleep with the wrong person, your world begins to fall apart? Jarlos, Kogan, Lomille, Kenjo, Kenlos, Jagan, Carlos-centric. Story inspired by "Doll of Fun" by ReadingAddictWeirdo and How to Love by Lil Wayne

**Lyrics Featured: **

**How to Love – Lil Wayne (Covered by Carlos and James)**

**Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol (Covered by Kendall and Logan)**

**Come Home – OneRepublic (Covered by James)**

**She Is Love - Parachute (Covered by Kendall)**

**Thinking of You – Katy Perry (Covered by Carlos)**

**A Beautiful Mess – Jason Mraz (covered by Logan)**

_(You should totally listen to these songs as you read this)_

_**Carlos/James, Carlos/Kendall, Kendall/Logan, Kendall/Jo, Camille/Logan, James/Logan, Carlos-centric **_

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

"Gustavo I need tickets to Minnesota."

For the first time in so long, the fat man actually showed an ounce of rage towards me. He stood up, papers flying around like confetti as Kelly looked amused. His face then distorted from a rage to an eerie calm, before settling down in his chair. Ok. Now this was just flat out creepy.

"I am assuming this is about Carlos, isn't it?"

"I need to see him. I just…I need to go and make things right."

I thought Gustavo was going to laugh at me, but instead he ordered Kelly to go fetch the tickets he needs. I was bouncing up and down with joy, screaming with happiness until my manager demanded that I shut up and stop jumping before I make another hole in the floor like the one Jenny Tinkler had previously made a while back.

"Look _pretty dog_, I am letting you go so you can fetch reckless dog, ok? I need my band to be happy again, and happy means work is being done which means we'll be making money. I know that sounds selfish, but that's fame right there. Besides, it is hard working with a bunch of boys who are miserable with one another. I'm leaving that for you guys to fix since it is not my place there. Now go get your boyfriend."

I reddened at Gustavo's rant but it is nice to have his support.

Getting back to 2J, I had a small whistle in my step. I can't believe that I am going to go through with this. Getting to my room, I passed by a bemused couple that were cuddling on the couch. I made haste as I dumped all my Cuda products and clothes into a luggage. I heard feet stepping behind me. Kendall and Logan were both at my door.

"Going somewhere?" Logan asked.

"To get my boyfriend of course." I replied, throwing in my boxers.

"And Gustavo is fine with this?" Kendall questioned.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." I muttered, finishing packing.

I am going to need a lot of beauty sleep for when I see him tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Really nervous. Extremely nervous. Unbelievably nervous. _Mucho grande nervioso._ My phone was clenched in my right hand, sweat coating the edges of the iPhone as I gripped it roughly, dialing each number painstakingly slowly. It was James' number. Should I call? Should I text? Maybe email…

I don't know how to approach him, how to say that hello I need to say.

But I do know that I just need to talk to him again, to hear his words, maybe his voice.

As long as I know he is there, maybe my heart will stop being so stupid.

Pressing the green square below the eight button, I held the phone against my face. The dial tone began its toll. Then his voice broke through after the eighth ring.

"Hi, this is James Diamond-"

"James, I-"

"_I'm not available right now, probably doing who knows what with Carlos or the guys. Leave me a message and I'll try to get to it later."_

I dropped my phone on the hard wooden floor of the now-desolate kitchen. Damnit. Collecting my phone, I drifted lifelessly to my old room. I fell down onto my bed and sighed. I heard a small knock on the door. To my surprise, there was dad, holding a puppy. It was a tiny golden retriever.

"I got him today as a gift from Antonio; apparently his partner volunteers at the local pet shelter and was asked to look after a liter, and well he was trying to get them adopted, and Antonio thought I would like one. I was asked to name him on the spot though, and well…his name is Remington."

Papá handed the puppy to me. It blinked before yapping happily in my hands. The dog does look like a Remington. He licked my cheek and papá grinned.

"He's yours to keep son. And if Ms. Knight is fine with it, you can take him to LA when you come home."

I said my goodnight to him before placing Remington down in my room. The dog went berserk with joy as he sniffed his way around, poking his small nose into my sneakers to my bookshelf, barking ecstatically to himself. He then proceeded to jump up against the bed on which I lay upon. Plucking him, Remington snuggled into my arms, a content murmur coming out from him.

"You seem very happy to be here Remy, like the one from Harry Potter! That is your new nickname!" I cheered, poking his head. Remy nodded with enthusiastic agreement.

I miss James. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss his obsession of Cuda products, and his desire to be famous and his cheerfulness because sometimes I swear, he is more cheerful than me, and I miss him. I miss when he holds me at night, when he nudges me down the swirly slide or how we are Hollywood Super Party Kings of Hollywood. Looking back into my old yearbooks on the shelf, I remember all the fun times we've had together during our old lives here. All the pranks we pulled on teachers, all the punches we threw when idiots harassed Logan, even the broken bones we had when we were playing hockey. Thinking about it, I miss the fun we had. The fun that we once always had.

I love him. James William Diamond, pretty boy wonder of Big Time Rush, is the only boy who possibly, maybe…ok might have my heart. But I do love him as a friend. When I see him again, I swear I'll do everything I can to make things right, to make him happy again.

I promise you that James. I swear on it.

Remington yawned. I think it's adorable when puppies yawn. I wonder if James thinks the same thing. Then again, I don't think he likes dogs. I'll have to ask him sometime.

If he ever talks to me again.

"Have you ever been in love Remy?"

The dog barked confused-like at me.

I take that as a no.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

Today's the day.

"Well, I hope things work out James." Logan said after hugging me for the billionth time. I think I saw Kendall cast a small jealous glance at us each time we hugged. Though I will admit, Logan is cuddly. Ms. Knight had already bid her farewell since she was in a frantic search for the bathroom. Just like the last time, this airport was bustling with business and people going places. Though this time, a few took notice at us with their coy smiles and faux-innocent gestures.

Not that I mind; I'm hot. I like the attention.

Katie walked up to me, with that casual smirk of hers.

"Go get him tiger."

"Thanks Katie. I owe you." I remarked, hugging her smaller frame.

"Don't worry, remember that contract you signed!" She giggled before joining her older brother. The four of us walked towards security, and the guard who was there during Jo's departure was there again, smiling at Kendall. I turned to my friends to see them smile for the last time.

Off to find Carlos.

"Due to temporary problems with the engine, the plane will be making an emergency stop at Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa. We are sorry for the inconvenience." The plane's captain announces. The whole plane shook with an aggravated sigh. Are you kidding me? An emergency landing?

The plane descended into the airport and as we ushered out of the plane, were stationed to wait in the seating area. The airport was somewhat decent. Not as many people as LA but still crowded. I groaned against the window I had leaned upon.

After sometime, a flight attendant had appeared before us, and her face wore exhaust and disbelief.

"I am sorry to inform you, but due to all other flights being delayed or out, we will not be arriving to St. Paul until tomorrow, most likely in the very late evening at earliest. We will assist you in any way to find food and a hotel to stay in until then."

No. No, no, no, damnit, no! I cannot just wait for some damn plane! I have to see Carlos! That's it. I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Storming out of the crowded mess of an airport, I was able to rent a car. Luckily, before LA, I used to go with my mom on business meetings Des Moines, so I have somewhat of an idea how to get to Saint Paul. If I take I-35 north, that should do it…

Hopefully.

I also hope that Gustavo wouldn't mind covering my sorry ass in the event I get into an accident since I am, and Logan can verify this one hundred and ten percent, that I am a crappy driver. The man behind the counter earlier gave me an anxious look as he handed me the keys to an old Nissan Sentra. The car was in decent shape, and it even had a GPS in it as well.

Starting her up, I sped down the roads of this Midwestern town.

Carlos, here I come.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

_-Dream-_

_I was at home. No, not in Minnesota; my home is back in LA, in my room, with James there. Leaving the comfort of my bed, I stepped out to find just James. The two of us seemed to be alone, with the others out of the apartment. We decided to watch TV, and as we lay upon the orange couch, we inched closer to each other. Our legs brushed together. He smiled foolishly and then reached around me. Something inside of screamed that I should get up and move. This wasn't right. But then there was the other half of me, who whispered for me to stay where I was, in his arms._

_Maybe it was my heart telling me to stay, I guess._

_The news came up and apparently someone was giving Big Time Rush a positive review, with a picture of James popping up as the band's pretty boy. Said pretty boy then jumped up, letting me thud against the cushion as he did a small victory dance. I chuckled at James, and he smirked at me before pouncing on me._

_The two of us tumbled off of the couch, knocking into the coffee table. I got James by the hair, and to my dismay, he didn't let up as he flipped me over, forcing my grip to loosen. With my wrists bound to my back now, James was clearly the winner._

"_Ok, ok you win Jamie!"_

"_That's right, don't touch my hair again."_

_Getting up, the taller boy pulled me up, and we were standing a little too close to one another, and I caught his eyes looking right into mine._

_I've never noticed how pretty those eyes really were._

_He has the cutest nose._

_James' lips trembled, like he wanted to say something, but I didn't know what it was. Did he have something to tell me? I didn't know what it was. James didn't have to hesitate. He could tell me anything! After all, I'm his best friend!_

"_James?"_

"_I, uhhh, never mind. Forget it Carlos." The pretty brunette said, slowly walking away from me. I watched him leave. Please don't go…_

_Just as he was about to walk into our room, I grabbed his wrist gently, pulling him back towards me. _

_Something inside of me must have snapped because in that particular moment, I pulled him towards my face, and I kissed him, my lips fitting just right and heavenly against his own pretty ones._

_-End of dream-_

"Son, get up, we got an emergency." Papá urged, shaking my shoulders rather harshly. I woke up, realizing that I was in my own bedroom in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and I was dreaming of kissing my best friend. Opening my eyes, I saw dad standing over me, and Remington was yapping and jumping excitedly.

My room was barely lit, but I felt hot much like I did as I had James close to me. I still could taste him against my lips which now were glossed with saliva, and I just wish I had more time to sleep and dream dreams like that.

"What's wrong papá?"

"It's James, he rented a car and it broke down on the freeway near Faribault. Your phone woke me and your madre up. Come on, we got to go get him. The police station has a tow truck we can use."

I must have looked really stupid for my dad to pluck me from my bed, chuck me a sweater and mutter random Spanish since I didn't respond but I was so choked up; James is here?

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

Hanging up, I watched as the screen of my phone blackout, a meek beep squeaking out before it bleeped into a useless piece of plastic and metal. I was standing outside of my car, having called Mr. Garcia after checking the engine before realizing that the car was actually just out of gas. Should have filled it up before heading to the freeway.

I went back into my car, shutting my eyes a little. It was a little after one in the morning by now, and the speeding lights of cars were slowing down, probably due to traffic.

Sleep slipped me soundly and sound became simply silent as darkness slithered softly. Sometime later a small tap was hit against my head and I jolted up, accidentally honking the car's horn. I saw my best friend's dad outside with a warm grin, and Carlos next to him with an anxious look.

Mr. Garcia was muttering Spanish at Carlos, pointing towards the Sentra and then at me. Carlos yelled back. I have never once seen Carlos yell back at his parents. This was a first yet again.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"_¿Por qué diablos?"_ I shrieked violently, my dad and my friend looking at me with surprise. Don't get me wrong, I love James and my dad…but I don't think I'm ready to be around James yet. I am happy that he's here to see me but…I'm not too sure about this.

"_Hijo, no hay espacio en el camión de remolque. Te necesito para viajar con James como remolcar el coche. A menos que esté bien conmigo te vas por la autopista solo."_ Papá defiantly, his glare not shaking as he stared hard at me. James just stood by his car with a baffled look while my dad and I argued over this.

I don't want to be alone with James, yet. How I am to survive this weekend will be something. Sighing with frustration, I watched my dad stroll back to the tow truck, whistling a happy tune. He looked surprisingly fine, having driving here from Des Moines. Making sure that the car was connected, I got into the back of the Sentra with James, pouting a little.

Me.

James.

In the back of a car, in the middle of the night.

Just me and him.

The car was surprisingly clean, and the back was roomy and stainless. James was fiddling with a button on his shirt while smiling sheepishly. Suddenly an obnoxious honk was cracked from beyond the window, and I realized that there is traffic. A lot of traffic.

"Carlos?"

"What?" I didn't mean to be rude about that, I guess the tired me made me snap. James flinched, and I saw a little hurt in his eyes. I don't want to be the reason he hurts. When James is hurt, it hurts me too. But I'm still burned by what he said to me before I left. I have _never _been more humiliated or bashed than that night James yelled he regret kissing me.

"I'm sorry Carlos."

"For picking you up? No, it's fine."

There's that puppy dog look, the one that I taught him and he's using it against me, but overall, just the way he was looking at me. It was like he wanted to say something so important but I scared him from actually saying it. Damnit! Damnit, damnit, damnit! What is the matter with me?

I'm a horrible boy.

James lifted his head a little, like he was leaning forward, and then…he pulled away, sinking against the window. We didn't talk. The car barely inched after rejoining the flow of traffic. He kept his legs folded with a regal poise, and all I could feel off him was hurt. Closing my eyes, I let out a rugged breath. I might regret this later, but I searched in the dark of the automobile for James' hand. I held his soft hand.

And an uncontrollable sniffle came out of my mouth along with a tear going down my face. I couldn't stop myself; I just cried. I let his hand go and felt James hold me, and he too cried. I missed him. I did, and I just can't be feeling like this. I want him to be close to me. I want him to hold me and make me feel special the way he does and just see his smile. I want James to be the one kissing me. I want James to be the one I hold and be the one I get to laugh and flirt all day with.

I am mad at James still, and pained by him to, but I love him.

It's going to take time, but something tells me that this is more important.

There was no need for words, just breathing in and out between each hiccup. I'm a stupid, stupid, stupid boy. There was a small _ker-plunk_ of rain pelting the window, and a storm had begun.

I have always hated storms.

I felt safe in James' arms, and as the splashing of rain came down, the torrent did not scare me as sleep came over.

My whole body shook, and gravity began to pull on me, waking me up from my slumber. I glanced up to find a drowsy yet somehow stable James carrying me up the stairs bridal-style. In that particular instance, I seriously imagined what our wedding day would be like.

I like the idea of James holding me like this.

Laying me on my bed, it came to my attention that I was a little soaked. It must be raining hard since the downpour is still continuing and I am now wet. Without sound, I watched as James changed in front of me, his back turned. Lazily, his hands lifted his shirt, and revealed his back which gleamed in the light of the room. The next thing that totally caught me off guard was that James pulled down his black jeans, and even with the dim light, I could see he was wearing _no_ underwear.

I felt my member throb to life, and I blushed furiously as my friend remained oblivious to me staring at him. I groaned helplessly by error, and the minute James turned around, I shut my eyes, praying to God that he thinks I'm just talking in my sleep or something. I felt his presence leaning over me before padding back to his suitcase on the ground which I failed to notice. Cracking my eyes open again, I saw James wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt with a smiley face on it.

I turned to face the other side of the room, just to stop myself from raping my best friend anymore with my eyes.

James' hands began lifting my clothes! _Oh shit! Ohshitohshitohshitohshit keep your damn eyes shut!_ I didn't know whether to panic or to kick his pretty face (which really, I do not want to do). Article by article, I was having my clothes removed and the feeling of terror washed over me as I now was buck naked on my bed with my awkward excuse of a friend standing over my nude body.

Out of nowhere, a soft fabric covered me, and soon more of layered itself on me. A shirt slipped over my head and shorts were pulled up against my legs. James was just changing my clothes. Thank God!

Fluttering my eyes, I saw James laid himself on the floor and when our eyes saw each other, he sheepishly smiled. My bed was too small for me, let alone having two people sleep on it. I rolled over, falling over the bed. James got out of the reclining position he was in and tried helping me up but I flashed a goofy smile, getting closer to him despite looking so stupid.

Neither of us wanted to talk, just listen to the sound of us. I was making myself comfortable, and now, my backside was against James and he hugged me at the waist. His breath was tickling the back of my neck. Turning around, I snuggled into his chest, inhaling the subtle smell of Cuda and sweat, and to most people that'd smell disgusting but to me, it smells nice.

Really, really nice.

For some time, we just remained like statues, and then I felt James snore. I smiled, before going to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

"Logie, I think we should go on a date. A legitimate, actual, and _definitely_ outside of this apartment date."

The two of us were in the living room part of the apartment again, watching a _third_ Spongebob marathon, and even though I love the little sea critter, if I have to hear that moronic laugh once more, I am going to explode. I want some fresh air! That and a something to eat other than macaroni and cheese (Logan is an awesome cook, I just want something else is all).

It sucks being sheltered in; especially with all the pestering paparazzi that linger around occasionally. There are more of them since James departed to fetch Carlos. Not only that but I heard that Jo might be returning to town for a small vacation.

To make matters worse, while mom is being supportive of us, she doesn't want us doing anything remotely PG-13 or higher. Which means no kissing, or groping, or licking the back of Logan's neck or getting hickies from him, and damnit, I just want to be romantic with my boyfriend!

"It's about time! I was wondering when you'd say something." Logan exclaimed, and I perked an eyebrow at him.

"Really?"

"No. I don't know if I'm ready to go out public or not, I mean I don't care if this causes publicity for the band; it's just I'm not sure if I want the whole world to know quite yet Kendall."

"C'mon! It will be fun! Think about it; candle lit dinner, followed by a walk in the park?"

"You watch too many chick flicks dude."

"Hey! It's not my fault that Katie and my mother like them!" I defended.

"Well Logie, I don't hear a "No,"."

"I said no!"

I pouted at him, and soon it became a stare down as I glared hard and long at Logan, waiting for him to cave into me. In staring contests, I _always_ win. After a minute or so, Logan blinked and before he could have a rebuttal, I snatched his arm and dragged him to our room. I threw a pair of grey jeans and the cute black cardigan he wore that one time we were on live TV. He started dressing, lest I strip him and do it myself. Though, that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

After all, I do miss the taste of his skin since mom is on us like a sharp hawk. Smiling happily, I shooed my boyfriend of the bedroom so I can begin getting ready. I am so excited! Even if this seems to be a last minute date. Slipping on my favorite pair of Vans and an onyx button-up vest, I hollered to Katie to let mom know we'd be out late.

To Logan's dismay, I was the one behind the wheel. If anything, I think Logan is afraid of not being the person driving the car. He's already terrified of James'…questionable skills (and I don't blame him) but really now; I'm not _that_ bad of a driver. I was able to book a table at some restaurant called Yamashiro, which is a famous Asian cuisine joint in Hollywood before starting up the Big Time Rush mobile.

"Kendall, it's reckless of you to drive while on the phone!" Logan exclaimed, gripping onto the car with sheer terror.

Dude. I'm just backing out of the parking spot so I can leave the Palm Woods. With a Cheshire grin, I sped down the road.

The restaurant I pulled up to was something I was not expecting. This looked more like a _palace_ than it did as a restaurant. But nonetheless it did impress Logan who gaped in awe at the Japanese architecture. The tiled roof was elegant. Paper lantern with Japanese on them fluttered in the small evening breeze and the sound of people enjoying themselves was loud.

"Kendall, how on Venus did you get reservations for a place like this?"

"Oh, you know, Gustavo. And who says "How in Venus?" I coolly replied. Which reminds me; I owe him. He may not be paying for our dinner but Gustavo was able to buy someone out of their reservation with just one phone call.

"It looks so…exorbitant!"

"In English?"

"Expensive; will we be alright?"

"Of course Logie!"

"Hey! You know how I feel about you calling me that in public!"

Chuckling, I tugged Logan with me, and a waitress blushed but served us happily as she led us towards our table. To our surprise, we saw Katy Perry there too. The woman before us laid our menus down on a table that was in a ring of tables along the border of a Japanese style garden. The humming of a koi pond's pump was soft and the scent of pine was pleasant.

We ordered calamari tempura as an appetizer, and Logan ordered some Asian BBQ ribs (I think that's his Texan stomach mumbling) while I ordered their famous American Wagyu Steak. Food after food, it was phenomenal! I am usually not a big fan of Asian food but wow that was just simply amazing. We laughed towards our pigging out, me especially since Logan kept making funny faces as he indulged in his ribs.

"Hey Kendall?" Logan asked, after wiping his slips clean of the barbeque sauce.

"Yeah?"

"What are we gonna do when Carlos gets back? Don't you think he'll be caught off guard by us being together? And not only that but with what has transpired, shouldn't we apologize to him or something? I think we should do that, at least. Still, I have no known idea what to tell him."

"I think all what we can do is just apologize to him and just tell him. Besides, I'm sure he'll be with James, so it'll even us out. And I know he'll support us anyways."

Paying the check, we got up to leave when out of the blue a horribly blinding light pierced my eyes. To my horror, the paparazzi decided to mob us.

"Look there's Katy Perry and Russell Brand!"

"Oh my gosh, Kendall and Logan are dating each other!"

"Kendall, how long have you been seeing Logan?"

"Logan, do your parents know about Kendall as being more than a friend?"

All the screaming and banshee noises blurred into a horrid voice as me and Logan bolted for the car, slamming the doors shut as I tried to speed away, nearly backing into the growing crowd that had followed us.

This is not going to end well.

Not in the least bit.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Morning. Thursday morning to be exact.

The sweet, whistle like sound of chirping birds rang true. James still had his arms around me, face so peaceful looking. I wanted to stay this way and be close. Except, I really had to pee.

Lifting his arms with the best precision I could give, I waltzed over to the bathroom, and alas, my bladder was no longer hurting. Tip toeing back, I was stopped by my dad who already was wearing his uniform.

"Son, I'll be going to work now, do me a favor and talk to James."

I blushed at how fast and how unexpected that greeting was but I nodded in compliance before going back to my room. I crawled back next to James, and I felt himself wrap his arms around me again while I reclined into his hold. James was so comfy. A part of me wanted to go back to sleep since it was a little early and the other wanted to remain awake to enjoy this just a little longer.

James missed me to some degree that was certain since he's being his affectionate self again, but something tells me that he's still hurt. Maybe…he's just doing this for a kick and then when we return home, he'll forget about me. I don't know. I just don't think this will last long at all.

I do love James. I am scared of being more, but I want to be his boyfriend. I really do! Maybe we should stay friends for a little bit longer. It won't help with the fact that I want kiss him but it would be healthy for our relationship maybe.

Have you ever been in love but afraid because of what your past is made of? Because right now, that's what I am going through. James had thrust his hips upward a bit, and I felt his morning junk press into my butt. It felt…nice. Curiously, I gyrated my hips against his hard member, accidentally earning a moan out of James. The taller boy bucked his pelvis into me again, even rougher than the last time and oh God, it felt so good.

Before I had a chance, James grabbed both of my wrists, holding me down as I got on top of me with a devious smile.

"J-James?"

His lips smashed themselves against my own. I tried to pull my wrists away but instead, James used one arm to subdue both of my arms before using the other to explore the contents of my shorts. I moaned sinfully, my face reddening uncontrollably as James fondled my cock. Pleasure and terror chilled down my back.

Suddenly, flashbacks of Kendall soared before my eyes. I can remember all the touching, and the begging and the confusion. All of a sudden, I could remember all the hurt sex has put me through, both physically and emotionally. All I could see was Kendall. All I could hear was his ragged breath. All I could feel and smell was lust and I don't want that.

No, I can't do this.

"Kendall stop! Please stop! Please, no more!" I screamed horrifically, thrashing with fear so frenzied, I was able to overthrow James. I kept kicking, flailing, trying to run away. My mind was blind with a montage of James and Kendall obscuring my vision, and I don't want to be touched anymore, I don't want to be kissed anymore, I don't want to be around _Kendall anymore!_

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

"Carlos! Please come out! I'm sorry!"

In reply, I just got a bunch of Spanish gibberish, and I couldn't understand a single thing he said other than the mentioning of Kendall's name, that was it. Damnit! I shouldn't have done that! I should have remembered that Carlos was still fragile from everything; that was the reason he left in the _first_ place. Carlos has been in the bathroom for nearly two hours now. All my knocking and pleading has gotten me nowhere. There was no convincing Carlos out anytime soon.

I sat against the door, and waited. Closing my eyes, I relaxed, breathing soundly. Sometime later, the door fell backwards, and so did I. I didn't even know that I dozed off. I was now looking up at Carlos, who wore a saddened and scared look. I just wanted to hold him and comfort him; I should never have kissed him like that. Sitting up right against the sink's lower cabinet, Carlos closed the door before huddling next to me.

"Carlitos, I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry."

"James?"

"Yes Carlos?

"I think we need to stay just friends."

I didn't think it was anymore possible for my heart to shatter but it did; Carlos doesn't want me. I know that I shouldn't be surprised, but I really thought maybe I could have a chance. Whatever. Carlos wants this, and I want him to be happy. I have no choice but to respect this decision.

"I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship yet. James, I'm sorry, I just need time to adjust to things. In addition to that, I don't want to damage our friendship yet. I don't know if I want to date boys, I don't even know if I want to date girls. I just don't know, ok? James, I do love you. I don't know if I'm in love with you though. I don't want to rush into saying that and then later…not mean it. You're my best friend in the whole world James. I don't want to lose that. Give me time please; I just gotta put myself back in order."

He was speaking so fast, but I couldn't catch on. His first words kept ringing in my ears._ Just friends._ I know this is his decision. I can't fight that. But I don't want it to be this way! He's supposed to love me and we're supposed to be happy and all couple like. If anything, I feel my trip home has now become invalidated. I felt so awkward and unneeded now. I feel like all the hopes I had inside of me now melted away and down the drain.

"Then friends it is." I forcefully said.

I hugged him, and even though he couldn't see it, a small drop of water corned itself in my eye. I don't want to accept it, but this is for the best. Even though I would rather have it my way (because then the both of us would be happy and all that chizz), Carlos needs this. Letting him go, we left the bathroom, settling in the family room to play videogames. Before we could get started, the house phone rang, and Carlos fetched it.

I stared at his face as he chatted to what seemed to be Logan, yet something in the tone of his voice gave that something was gravely wrong. Carlos saw me and flashed a smile at me, but I knew it was a fake smile. Getting off the carpet, I placed my hand out, wanting to talk to Logan. Carlos shook his head and instead, I took it from him before he could say anymore to the genius.

"Logan, it's James. What's going on?"

"Griffin is threatening to drop us off the label unless you two get home now. The four of us are in major trouble."

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

Have you ever felt like a stranger in a place you once called home? Have you ever stood at the front door of a place you once walked a hundred times through before, and had all the memories come rushing back? Stripped of the thick attire that I had back in Minnesota, I stood in front of 2J, hands clenched nervously. By now it was almost nine; they must have either eaten dinner or are relaxing. James yawned, waiting for me to open the door. The flight back was unbelievably the worst flight of my life. I couldn't relax. I couldn't sleep or eat snacks on it. Because the fate of our band was strangling me on the inside. We are back now.

"Hi Carlos! Hi James! I haven't seen you two in a while."

Taking to my side, I saw Camille standing there with her brilliant smile. She was actually the first person to have greeted me asides from Bitters' nonchalant nod. James smirked but waved at Camille. She still looked as beautiful, though eccentric, as ever.

"Hey Camille, it's been a while."

"Where did you go? Big Time Rush has been all over the news! There's been so much drama from what I hear, though I didn't want to butt in cuz well you know, you guys are friends, and it is not my place to butt in."

I shook my head, more to myself than it was to her as a reply.

"Camille, a lot has been going on lately, and it's hard to explain."

"Oh, well Carlos, can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell Logan that…that I miss him? I know it's not like me to be asking you a favor like this but lately, I haven't seen him. And I miss him. It'd mean a lot to me if you could."

Asides from risking a brutal slap and a nasty red mark on my cheek, it is hard for me to say no to Camille. I smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, I can do that. See ya."

"See ya later Carlos. Bye James." Camille bid before turning around towards the elevator.

"Are you really gonna do that?"

"I don't know. Should I?"

Sighing, I opened 2J's door.

Kendall and Logan were sitting on the couch, hands clenched in fists as they looked anxiously at the news on the TV. Striding over, I didn't know what has the two so nervous until I saw it. Kendall and Logan caught kissing at some Japanese restaurant, and people arguing between interviews whether or not the photos were real. The two were awfully close to each other. Hands held too. So they were real, and the two are a couple.

I'm so happy for them! I mean well, I'm happy that they are together. But I'm uncomfortable with the idea. I don't know why or what is it that's making me feel this way. Maybe it has to do with Kendall being the first person I was remotely sexual with. It might also have to with Logan abandoning me at the airport almost a week or so ago, when I needed him the most. But they deserve to be happy.

"Ahem?"

"Carlos! You're back!" Kendall noticed excitedly, and both he and Logan got up, embracing me tightly that almost all the air was out of me. James took our stuff to our room while I was trying to catch up with the two.

"So what is exactly going on? Tell me what all that news was about?"

"Well…Logan and I went on a date," began Kendall, who was twiddling his thumbs slowly, that isn't like him. "We were having a good time until the paparazzi got pictures of us, including one where we kissed. We didn't even know about that one. Griffin got word, and for the most part all we know is that we might be dropped. But we don't know for sure until we go down to the studio tomorrow."

"Ok, so I get that. So you guys are a couple now?"

"Yeah, we are." Logan said, holding Kendall's hand.

"I'm fine with that."

"Really?" Kendall said.

"Really. You guys deserve to be happy." Logan hugged me again, and I laughed, messing up his hair before he mumbled something about helping James, leaving me and Kendall alone.

"So things with Logan, they are real? Not like what we did…right? Kendall, I swear, if it's like that, I am going to kick your-"

"Carlos, it is. I swear it is. Look, when I say this I need you to just listen. I…I had sex with you because I was really running away from my feelings for Logan. Really. I did what I did because a part of me thought that maybe, it'd be better for me to be with you. I wanted to fall in love with you. I tried to convince my heart of that. But I couldn't. I love Logan. I am in love with Logan. I never meant to hurt you. Something rationalized that losing you wouldn't be as bad as losing Logan. I kept telling myself that this was all a phase but it wasn't; it was real. I'm sorry for hurting you, and for everyone."

I stared at Kendall for a second before punching his arm, sporting a faux-hurt look at him.

"What the_ hell_ is the matter with you? Why didn't you just tell me that in the first place? I could have helped you know!" I said speedily, "I would have done anything to get you two together! Now I want my virginity back you twat!"

I actually laughed, considering I used yet another one of Logan's fancy words.

"So you believe me?"

"Kendall, you are my friend. I won't lie, it's going to take some time to adjust and be normal again. Trust me, there was an incident before me and James returned. You've hurt me in ways a friend never should hurt another. But in a way, I forgive you. Because you are my friend, no, my _brother_ in a way. And the band is important to all of us! We have to forgive each other at some point right? I just don't want you touching me anymore."

"I can do that!" Kendall said, jumping up and hugging me again.

"Ahem?"

"Sorry, force of habit. I love Carlos, thank you so much!"

I watched the band's leader skip back to his room, looking for Logan, and I saw James stepping out, heading towards the kitchen. I followed because I heard my stomach demand for some food. We didn't feel like talking, but I grabbed some cereal while James, who caught on, got the milk and bowls. Handing him a spoon, I poured some of the S'Mores into his plastic bowl. In return, he poured the milk in mine. As we munched on our evening snack, I couldn't help but stare at James.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try something? Certainly I won't rush it like James did back in Minnesota, but maybe…maybe we can try and date.

I'll talk to James about it tomorrow.

"Ok dogs, it is time to get on that EP. The title of it will be Big Time Covers since we'll be covering a lot of artists. Here are the lyrics for each of your songs." Gustavo barked, his glasses gleaming nonchalantly at the light of the studio. His step was much bouncier; in other words, he seems happy today. This is a first for us. The stack of lyrics each of got were thick.

Checking the first page, it was labeled with my name on top of it, followed by which songs I had. I got some song called "Thinking of You", then a duet version of Lil Wayne's "How to Love."

"Our fan base wants more acoustic songs and less auto-tune stuff, we'll do an acoustic version of these song."

"_**Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes  
>o<strong>__**h won't you walk through and bust in the door and take me away,  
>o<strong>__**h no more mistakes cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..."**__  
><em>

As I finished up that final note for the fourth time, I peeked over at my shoulder to see James so focused on the piano sheets since he was providing the background music for me while Kendall strummed along with his guitar.

Before we even had a chance to begin singing the next song, Griffin had stridden in, with beautiful girls; one with a vicious and bitchy look while the other tired and shy. I glanced over at Kendall and Logan who shot spiteful glares as they huddled close to one another. James and I both looked confused at Griffin. Who were those two girls? Why are they staring back at me and James?

"Gustavo, I need to speak to James and Carlos, alone."

"Griffin, we are a band! We have the right to hea-"

"Kendall, if you know what's good for your "band" I suppose you leave then."

The three of them left, Logan snatching Kendall's hand despite Griffin's disapproving glance.

I've never felt more nervous in front of an old man before than I am feeling right now right here. Griffin always had wacky shack ideas on his mind, and worse, we're his favorite lab rats. I could not keep still. Something tells me that these girls are more than interns.

"As you two are aware of, there's been a scandal recently, involving Logan and Kendall. Since I want to protect Rocque Records along with my business' image, I have took it to my responsibility that everyone is, how you kids say, "taken," and not single. Carlos, James, meet Charice and Marla. They will be your publicity girlfriends. What you do in your apartment is your call. But when you are in studio, out on the streets or on tour, they will be the girls you are both seeing. If you two do anything to compromise that, the consequences will be fatal."

…Publicity girlfriends?

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

I cannot believe Griffin. If I had the willpower and the necessary materials, I would force feed him sodium hydroxide for what he is planning on doing. He's bringing back Jo. _Bringing her back to date Kendall. MY KENDALL._ I didn't even have half the heart to listen to the rest of Griffin as Kendall and I looked appalled by this dastardly maneuver. Jo is coming back. I could not focus on the drive home. All of us were locked into our own little worlds of angst considering all the bad news that has gotten to us. Griffin bringing Jo back, Carlos and James being forced to date complete strangers and then…

He's threatening my position in the band if I don't go out with Camille.

When Kendall and I got to our room, it was sometime in afternoon and we both sat on the sides of our beds, staring hard at the carpet. We either go out with our exes, or risk losing the record label.

Before leaving, Gustavo and Kelly overheard Griffin's plans of making us date people we don't want to date, and they tried to defend us. They really did. For Gustavo to do something like defending what is for our best interest was phenomenal. But that didn't stop Griffin as he threatened their jobs _and_ their employment liability. That sneaky weasel!

I crawled over next to Kendall, and I placed my arm around him, because I know this is hard for us both. Just when we had it right, something got in the way, and now we have to go back to not being together.

"So are you going to talk to Camille?"

"No, not yet. You ready for Jo to come back?" I asked back.

"No. I want to be with you."

"But we have to, for the band."

"I agree. Maybe until Jo gets back we can enjoy just us for a little longer." Kendall mumbled.

"Yeah, Kendall?"

"Yeah Logie?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. Logie, can you promise me something?"

"Yeah?"

"If you have to kiss Camille, please wash your mouth afterwards so I can kiss you. I don't wanna taste method acting when I kiss you."

"Of course," I chuckled "If only you promise to wipe your lips after kissing Jo. You know how I hate lip gloss."

I felt Kendall hug me tighter. I love him. I will not tolerate sharing him. I wanted to cuddle, but the mood seemed to kill it.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"Hello, is this Charice?" I shyly ask.

"Hi, this is. May I ask who I'm speaking to? Wait, is this Carlos? Hi Carlos."

I'm glad that out of the two girls, Charice chose me, or rather got stuck with me since Marla has a thing for pretty boys. Charice seemed to be the laidback and relaxed kind of girl. Though that isn't my type, maybe, I should get to know her more. I love James, but I said we need to be friends. Just friends. Nothing more until I figure things out. If I do.

Dating Charice might actually do me some good. I might be able to figure out if I want to date James or if I want to still see girls. If I can do things right with Charice but not feel the same, then maybe I can try with James! Wait, what am I talking about? I should give Charice a chance. Actually get to know her. Maybe even grow to like her…

There is a possibility that maybe dating Charice might give me a normal life.

I don't know.

"Hi Charice. I was wondering if you'd like to go on ummm out to a movie?"

"Are you doing this because Griffin is making your or because you want to?" I felt some doubt in her voice, like she didn't think I liked her. I am going to prove her wrong!

"I want to. Now what movie do you want to see?"

The movie we saw was Friends with Benefits, starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. It was a cute and sexy movie, despite being somewhat predictable as two friends who enter a sexual relationship fall in love. Charice and I were laughing throughout the entire movie, giggling even more so as she commented on the predictable while I noted on the stupid stunts that I'd do in real life that I saw in the film.

Leaving the movie theater, we were walking towards a local park. By now, it was a little afternoon. It was then I began noticing the way she looked. Her hair in order without a strand out place, and eyes bright with a gentle hazel color. She walked with a sway that screamed with swagger. Although she has a somewhat quiet demeanor, Charice seems so happy and cheerful. As I asked questions about her, the girl answered with a confidence that was high up; in a way that was almost like a subtle way of saying she is the best.

In a way, this girl was like James.

Not that it matters, because seriously, I shouldn't compare her to James.

She lived a couple blocks away from the movie theater we were at, and as I walked her up towards her door, she hugged me tightly. She smelled like vanilla and apples. When our eyes met, we both blushed until suddenly, I felt her lips against mine.

I do not know how to describe this kiss. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't exactly good. It was coy, humble as she traced my lips with her tongue before darting away, pressing her glossy lips against my own again. I tried to kiss back, but something made me stop. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't really kiss back. She then stepped away and whispered good night before shutting the door, and I stood there silly before I began walking down the stairs of the apartment complex.

"I'm home!" I screeched as I got back to 2J. I think everyone was still in shock at what Griffin is making us do since he told us yesterday. No one was in the kitchen or the living room area. The sun was peeking through the window shades. There was a note on the fridge.

"_Carlos,_

_Logan, Kendall, Katie and I went to the mall. James is taking a nap. Try not to break anything._

_Ms. Knight."_

Thinking about it, I do remember James muttering something before going back to our room after he saw me getting ready for my date with Charice. Crumpling the note up, I went to get some water. The apartment was eerily silent. Putting the glass away, I was going to my room. Just when I was about to turn the doorknob, I stopped. I heard a small whimper.

"Why? Why would he do that? I love him…"

It was then that it came to me that James was the one crying with a conscious whisper. Did I do something again? What is it? All I did was go out on a small date, and get to know the girl that Griffin is paying for me and him to see. Well that, and kiss her. I heard the bed creak with a defeated squeak and I swiftly bolted away from the door, trying to look all casual and (what was that word) non-chilled? I think it was nonchalant.

"Sup buddy." James said, and already I can see the false enthusiasm.

"Hey."

"How was the date?"

"Good! We saw Friends with Benefits, and then we walked through the park a little before going walking her home. Then she kissed me."

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_. I shouldn't have said that. I regret saying that because now James just walked out of the room yelling about running out of Cuda shower gel and I didn't even get the chance to say how I even felt about that kiss.

I never want to hurt James again. Something instinctively told me to never, ever, ever put myself in a place where I hurt my best friend in the whole world. Being with Charice hurt him. Being with Kendall hurt him. Being away hurt him. I don't want to hurt James anymore.

Now I know for certain. I do love James. I am in love with James. He was there for everything, as I've said before. When I look at other people, I think of him. When I smell Cuda, all that comes to mind is him. I want James certainly now. I don't think I've ever felt more certain than I have now. I don't care about girls. I don't care about guys. I just want James. I just want his touch and his happiness again. I want his kisses and touches. I just want everything I could get from him, as long as it is from James. I want to love him in the way he wants me to love him.

I love James. No more confusion. No more games.

He's been gone all evening, and it was almost 10 PM now.

The moment he walked into the bedroom, I pounced right on top of him, making him drop his Cuda crap as I stared him hard in the eyes before placing a sloppy and very amateurish kiss on him while wrapping my arms around him. I knew that the kiss was messy. I knew that James is a better kisser _and_ that he has had better than me. But that isn't going to stop me. I felt my heel pop. I felt his lips quiver with amazement. My arms came undone, and I let myself roam, my hands patting his touch and his neck and his cheeks as I felt his mouth against my own. His arms encircled my body. Please don't let me go.

This kiss felt right. This kiss felt like James should be the only one kissing me. It felt like no else but James belongs here. Kissing James has never made me feel this alive before. Just kissing him puts all of my experiences to shame; being with Kendall and Charice, doing those stupid stunts for a cheap thrill, becoming a Jennifer, all of it not being comparable to this. There were no sparks, no stars clawing their way around the darkness of my close eyelids. Instead, I just felt a heartbeat, tapping in time with my own. James' heart beating with my own racing heart. And instead of having the chills or passionate lust, I just felt truly at home. I felt safe. I felt happy. I felt a rush of emotions that I can't explain but I knew that only James could ever make me feel this way.

A part of me finally does believe James. That he does love me.

We both let go, and just gazed at one another.

And then he grabs me, pulling me for another kiss, a rougher kiss, a better kiss. I felt my eyes lull backwards at the way James swirled his tongue inside of my mouth after prying me open. Moaning, I clutched onto him, just for safety.

"Don't ever leave me." James' whispered faintly against my lips.

"I promise. No more mistakes, please, no more. I love you."

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

When the four of us returned home, the apartment was oddly quiet. No obnoxious commotions indicating that our reckless Latino was scheming up to something. No hissing of hairspray cans meaning that James isn't doing anything either. The apartment was in a gentle ambiance, which isn't normal. As Ms. Knight retired towards her room, Katie, Kendall and I began investigating. We scavenged the pool, the lobby (making sure to avoid Camille while at it) and even the rooftops of the Palm Woods. Then it came to me that we didn't check one of the most obvious places; their bedroom.

Getting back there, the three of us were surprised to what we have found. Carlos and James holding each other, blanket covering them as they slept. Cuda products were scattered about on the floor along with Carlos' repulsive helmet.

Closing the door, I smiled at the two.

Finally.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

I remember last night. I remember James kissing me.

I think I got it figured out now. I want to be with James, taking it slow. But I know that I love him. I really do love James, meaning _in love_. I don't even care that we have to play the secretive game by dating those girls, as long as by the end of the day I get James. Suddenly my phone was ringing annoyingly and both James and I moved. Reaching over for my phone, I forgot that these beds were tiny and ended up knocking James to the ground. The caller ID read Papá.

"Hello?"

"Son, I just wanted to call and see how are you doing? Remington misses you!" Dad yelled happily. I heard some rather disappointed Spanish in the background, dismissing it.

"I'm fine papá! I'm so sorry but I am busy right now, and I gotta go. I promise to call you tonight!"

"Well ok son. Bye!"

"Love you dad!"

Hanging up, I looked at James before pulling him off the ground.

"James, can we talk?"

"Oh god, are you regretting what happened last night? Please don't. Please, I ask of-"

"I was going to say do you wanna get McDonalds later. You and me?"

"You know I don't like fast food."

"Then Qdoba? I want a burrito."

"Wait, wait, wait, you're like asking me out on a date or something?"

"No, I'm just asking my _boyfriend_ out for a burrito."

"I'm your boyfriend?"

Is he not listening? I gripped his shirt, kissing him, teasing his mouth as I nipped at his lower lip softly. I licked around a bit, just exploring the outside parts of his mouth, until his jaws parted way and his tongue played along my own. If I can kiss him without confusion, without fear, I think that truly says something…

I hope.

James stops kissing and looks at me.

"Burritos it is."

Walking into Rocque studios, I felt like I was walking into enemy territory. Today was James' turn at recording with Gustavo, and Griffin is calling a mandatory date with Marla afterwards, much to my distaste. Marla kept daggering her eyes at me, like I was trying to steal James away. Which in a way, I kind of was stealing him considering I wouldn't leave James' side and insisted on being helpful.

Griffin also had the same piercing look at me. Is he suspicious of James and me? Well I gotta be more careful then.

"_**Everything I can't be is everything you should be,  
>and that's why I need you here, so hear this now,<br>come home, come home cause I've been waiting for you for so long, for so long."**_

James tore away his gaze from the piano as he looked up towards me, and I felt my face reddened. It feels so nice being serenaded. I was fighting the feeling to gush as I watched behind the recording glass with Gustavo and Kelly. The two eyed at me weirdly while I just smiled gleefully at my secret-boyfriend on the other side. I could feel Marla fuming in the far distance.

"Ok wrap it up pretty dog!" The lone wolf barked.

James rolled his eyes before hitting the final note of his cover.

"Carlos, relax dude. I'm sure James is fine." Logan preached, but I felt uncertain. I don't like feeling uncertain. I kept pacing back and forth in Logan's room. Kendall was asleep and I kept thinking about what horrors James might be facing considering that unlike my date, his was forced. I hope James is alright; if she did so much as to mess up his hair, she'll have to deal with me.

And when I have my hockey stick, I am not to be messed with.

James then walked through the door, and I never thought I could hug someone as tightly as I hugged him considering I nearly got his sweet cheeks purple.

"Ok buddy, you can let go now," my boyfriend muttered through a ragged breath.

I slackened my grip, but refused to stop hugging my boyfriend.

"I don't wanna lose you. Especially since she's pretty." I whined back, breathing in the sickly sweet smell of Cuda on his vest. I heard Logan go awe in the background followed by Kendall groaning in his slumber. Way to ruin the moment bro. I felt James pat my back. I glanced back up before making a cheeky look at him.

"So how was the date?" Logan asked.

"Horrendous. She made me go thong shopping with her and modeled the clothes, and then we saw this horrible movie." I wanted to hug him more if it wasn't for the fact that I was now imagining James in pink lingerie. Logan was snickering. It did sound like a bad date.

"Whatever, you're home! Let's eat some corn dogs now." I insisted, and the three of us went towards the kitchen for dinner. James didn't let me go though, clutching my hand with his own sweaty ones.

I didn't mind.

I just like holding his hand.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

Jo came back today. She is to temporarily stay with Camille until her family has everything settled in their old apartment. Logan left the apartment sometime ago to talk to Camille. I was debating whether or not to go see her; that is until the door rang. There stood a familiar blonde. Jo looked as bedazzling (one of Logan's favorite words) ever, but it wasn't the same. There was no connection, no feelings left for her. She just seemed to be like any other girl.

"Hey Jo."

She didn't say anything, but instead hugged me, sighing into me and I wasn't too sure whether to let her hug away or stop her.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

4J.

It is Camille's apartment. I knocked a few times, hoping she wasn't on the other side. The door swung open, revealing a rather cranky looking girl.

"Logan?"

I know I am going to hate this, and I know that what I am about to do is for the sake of the band. I grabbed her hand, pulling her into a small, shy kiss. It felt like the same as before; just lips meeting. No romantic zing in it. Nothing special. Camille didn't force herself on me. No tongue diving. Just kissing back. I wonder what Kendall is doing right now. He could be talking to Jo since she's back. I'm going to hate it, but it's for the band. I have to remember why I am here with Camille.

"Camille, I left you because I don't know what it is that I am feeling. But I think I want to try again."

"I ummm I don't know what to say to that."

"Just think about it."

With that being done, I left, hoping that she wouldn't have to think long.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

As the weeks progress, thinks with everyone got irksome. James would come home cranky from Marla, Logan and Kendall would be depressed because the two ex-girls they are being forced to see and I'm feeling awkward around Charice now. I want to do something to make things better except, I don't know how. I offered to go bandana shopping with James and to that Venus exhibition with Logan and even tried getting Kendall to pull a prank or two on Mr. Bitters. Ms. Knight is becoming worried again. Even Katie is worried.

Surprisingly, I'm not being so pressured by things. Sure, Charice is a lot more clingy around me, but I remember exactly what it is between us; business. She's being paid by Griffin to date me. I love James. I'm seeing James. It's simple as that. Though, I wonder if that's how the other three are seeing it. Maybe it has to do with the emotional ties, at least for Logan and Kendall. I wonder what it is that's sinking James down.

But then I remembered something that was unbelievably random. Ms. Knight's birthday is nearing.

Getting up super early _and_ spending my own money, I was able to pull off the biggest splurge in spending. I got a hundred dollar cake that had a picture of Ms. Knight's face (cost me a lot considering these take a few days usually). Then I got a piñata filled with plastic dinosaurs and fancy chocolate ($45). I also spent fifty more on decorations and themed plates. Finally, I got a lot of breakfast foods considering that Ms. Knight loves breakfast! And that is perfectly fine (after all, eggs do sound so nice right now). I got all these party stuff, and the piñata was hung awkwardly and there were streamers all over the room.

Maybe this party might help make things happier around here! After all, as a party king, it is my duty to cheer them up. They seem all so sad and down, and well…maybe a celebration may help.

It is time to go wake them up.

Snatching my alarm clock, I was able to hook it up to one of the speakers. Covering my ears, I blasted it.

I watched them race out of their rooms, with Ms. Knight yelling like a banshee while my three friends stumbled in each with the same expression; drained.

"Carlos, what on earth are you doing?"

"Today is your birthday Ms. Knight, and no one did anything so I decided to do something. I even got a piñata and cake." I said thoughtfully. But instead of compliments, I was being given stupid looks.

"Carlos?" Ms. Knight started.

"Yes?"

"My birthday isn't for another week actually. That's why no one has done anything."

What…

Really? I feel like I'm having that Emma Stone moment when she said that to Ryan Gosling (don't ask why I watched Crazy, Stupid Love; let's just say I was curious). Nobody was saying anything.

"Well ummm…let's celebrate anyways. I got everything ready and I don't want it to go to waste. Besides, I'm going to admit it; everyone is being sad. We just need to do something to cheer us up! Remember, we're Big Time Rush! Not Big Time Mush or something like that."

Oh god I sounded unbelievably corny, but I had a point. I felt everyone look at one another before James grinned and got himself a plate of pancakes and bacon.

I think it's the first genuine smile I've seen in a long time

"So how did the double date go?" James asked. He and I were eating some macaroni and cheese and Kendall and Logan both walked in, looking exhausted. Camille and Jo must be taking a real toll on them. Logan had lipstick marks all over him Kendall looked like he was about vomit, which isn't good. The two boys collapsed on one another as they headed to the couch.

"It was exhausting. The Ferris wheel broke down and Camille went crazy all over Logan. And then in the tunnel of love, Jo kept cuddling against me and all I could do was smell that over-sweet perfume she wore. We gotta do something." Kendall said with stress.

I don't blame him.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

"_**All that I am,  
>all that I ever was,<br>is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see."**_

I sang, strumming my guitar. I could feel Gustavo and Kelly drilling holes into us anxiously, considering that Griffin was looming over them. James was in the recording room with us, providing backup with the piano. I watched Logan shift awkwardly next to me, and I stared deeply into him as I serenaded him. One thing I learned about Logan is that he _loves_ being serenaded.

It was now Logan's turn to sing back, since Gustavo made this a duet.

_**"I don't know where,  
>confused about how as well,<br>just know that these things will never change for us at all."**_

Logan batted his eyelashes at me, and the words that poured out of him were simply more than just lyrics. If anything, it felt like he was singing to me about my past with Carlos. That even though it happened, he won't let it change us. I really don't deserve Logan. Sometimes, I feel like I've never deserved him actually. Logan does deserve better than someone like me.

"_**If I lay here,  
>if I just lay here,<br>would you lie with me and just forget the world?"**_

The two of us sang that last note, and when our eyes met, I could feel the heat in his dark brown eyes. If there wasn't an audience here, I honestly would have just pounced on Logan, kissing the wind out of his beautiful body. Our eyes were so locked that it took Gustavo blabbering into the PA to us of our heated gaze. Well it's time to let James and Carlos record.

As our two friends went in, I shoved Logan into Gustavo's office, kissing him passionately against the wooden door. I don't really wanna have sex right now actually. I just want to be close with him. I want to feel Logan moan in my mouth and clutch onto me. I don't want him to let go. As his lips slipped away, we gazed at one another again.

"I love you Kendall, and I don't want you to ever doubt that."

"I love you Logan. I will always love you."

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

"I always thought of you, you know."

I have to wonder why that just came out of my mouth. It was a decent Tuesday afternoon, and James and I were down at the pool of the Palm Woods, enjoying the sun. I wasn't a big fan of tanning but since it's with my boyfriend, I may as well go. Oh wait. I know where that comment came from. I was thinking of the song I sang for the EP, and it reminded me of how all the times I was with Kendall, I thought about James.

"What?"

"I was thinking about the song I did for the EP and it reminded me of something important. James, the few times I was with Kendall, I thought about you."

"Oh."

"What do you mean by _oh?_ Is that a bad thing?"

"No Carlos, it's just…I really didn't know that."

"I just thought-"

"Carlos, I thought you loved him."

"Jamie, I…I love you."

I knew there were other people there. But why should I care? I reached over, kissing my best friend on the cheek, his skin warm and welcoming. I could feel the eyes lingering. I could feel the Jennifers looking over, the strumming of Guitar Dude's instrument stopping and even Bitters' mumbling stopping as he chatted on the phone. I parted, looking at James as his face just smiled foolishly like my own.

I really do love you.

"James, I don't think I like boys. I think I just like you."

And I kissed him again.

I was stumbling. I couldn't walk properly. James kept kissing my neck, and I was blushing as he shoved me into the elevator. I failed to notice that James even ushered Camille and Jo out as he used my ass to somehow mash the button for the second floor. I like his quick kisses though. The floor shifted. The lights dinged with the passing floors. We were so wrapped up in our kissing that James kept mashing the buttons until the elevator broke. The lights flickered with unease and I stopped kissing him to realize we stopped.

"James stop, I think we broke the elevator."

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

The elevator…broke?

Don't panic. James, whatever you do, _don't panic. _Just keep calm. Just breathe and keep calm. Don't hyperventilate. Don't freak out. Just…keep…

!

I had to get out of here! The last time I got trapped in an elevator was bad. It was really, really, really bad!

_-Flashback-_

"_Mom, hurry up!" I asked eagerly! I remember there was a book fair at school, and mom owed me a new bedtime book since she didn't take me the last time. This was when I was nine years old. I remember, we were at mom's office building, and at the 14__th__ floor, I was so eager!_

"_Son, go ahead of me to the limo, I'll catch up with you in a bit." My mother shouted, her arms full of boxes of makeup. I liked exploring mom's work. Diamond Cosmetics has done a lot for my upbringing. I went towards the closes elevator, bouncing up and down. As the steel door shut, the last thing I saw was my mother's smile before I descended. _

_The metal box lurched violently, and before I knew it, gravity began to disappear as I free floated for a moment in the elevator. I screamed, and when I landed, I heard a small crack in my chest. I wanna get it now! I tried to get up, but my breathe was sharply short, and I couldn't breathe._

_I could only scream as I fell again._

_I glanced at the number that lit up, and the last floor I was at the seventh floor. I wanted to go home. I wanted Carlos to be there. I wanna be hugged and I wanted out. _

_There was a faint ringing, and I glanced towards the control panel. Beneath it was a small box that read emergency phone. Yanking the door open, I answered it._

"_H-Hello?"_

_I was not expecting his voice to be the one answering me._

"_James! Oh boy, wasn't expecting you to answer! I was on my way to get you for the book fair!"_

"_C-Carlos! Get help! Please, the elevator broke and I'm scared!" _

_The elevator kept creaking and I was too terrified to even focus with what was going on around me. I was clinging to the rail. I felt the box descend but I was scared to even move. The moment I got out…I saw Carlos and I wouldn't let him go. For days, I was scared to go up and down floors without him._

_-End of Flashback-_

"Carlos, please don't let go of me." I murmured quietly. My hand clutched his tightly, and I am so scared right now because even after so much time since that incident _I have not gotten over it_. With every shake of the elevator, my hand tightened up even more.

"James, I know you are scared but you need to relax! Please, for me?" Carlos whined.

I looked at him, and…something told me to trust him on this.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

I need to distract James. I need to take his mind off the elevator or otherwise it is going to be a repeat of what happened years ago at his mother's office. Hatching the emergency phone line open, Bitters immediately answered after the first dial to check up on us. Unfortunately, the elevator won't be functioning for another two hours.

"James, what do you do to calm down?"

"You're going to laugh at me if I tell you." My boyfriend muttered with angst. I smirked at him.

"James, you do a lot of weird things. You spent a whole day orange. On Halloween, you literally think you're a vampire. I think your third love interest is Cuda products after me and then Logan and Kendall. James, I won't laugh. I promise."

James wasn't one to hesitate easily. But I watched him pull something out of his pocket and the way he looked, it made me a little nervous. He took my hand and placing inside of it was his lucky comb.

"When I'm really nervous and I'm alone, I comb my hair. Mom did it for me when I was younger and got nervous for things."

This was…cute.

Oh crap.

I snorted.

"You broke your promise!" Jamie screeched, yanking the comb back. I am going to pay for this later if something isn't done.

"James I wasn't laughing at you, it's just…I find it cute. Let me comb your hair." Once again he was reluctant but slowly I started to fiddle with his hair. The way his hair was in my hands, it was pleasant. I gently weaved the comb in and out, and the way his locks felt, I wish I had hair like that. I felt him loosen up. I like it when James is mellow. I needed him to be like this. I don't know how long it has been since we've been in here. James was lying down, his head on my lap and as the comb repeatedly brushed his hair, I felt slightly drowsy. Looking down, I saw James sleeping. Is it weird that James purrs in his sleep? Cuz the way James' cheeks hummed against my lap was really pleasant. That surprises me because he doesn't get tired easily. Usually it's I who gets easily tired but I guess it's due to my constant bouncing around. I kissed his forehead before closing my eyes myself.

* * *

><p><strong>(Logan's POV)<strong>

"Bitters, how much longer will it be before they are out?" Kendall incessantly asked for the 11th time. I love him, but Kendall can be really impatient sometimes. It's been nearly two hours since the elevators broke and our weirdoes got trapped in them. We were looking around, seeing that a lot people were staring at us. Watching Bitters' monitor, we also saw James screaming before Carlos got him calm.

After sometime, the elevator finally rang and the door opened and our two idiots appeared before us. The mechanics took much longer than necessary. It was about nine in the evening and mostly everyone has departed to their apartments. The two were cuddling with one another.

"Go grab your idiots. The mechanics ain't cheap and they are in the way." Bitters muttered. Kendall, to my astonishment was able to lift James up while I got Carlos by the shoulder. They snored as we traversed up two flights of stairs. Mama Knight was watching another episode of Oprah before shifting up to see our two tired friends.

"Finally! They are out, which means I can go to the vending machines now."

"But mom, there are stairs?" Kendall said. Why is she concerned about the vending machines?

"I am lazy. Just because I am a mother doesn't mean I don't have lazy moments every now and again. Besides it's that time of the mon-"

"Ok mom! We get it!"

As we dragged our sleeping companions, the last thing I could hear was Ms. Knight's gentle chuckling before turning off the TV. Tucking the two in their beds, it was Kendall and I's turn for sleep. We got a long day tomorrow.

Luckily, Kendall's good night kisses help me sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

As time goes on and fall arrives, I think things are getting better. The leaves changed colors. The streets are not as hot as they used to be. My "secret missions" with James are a lot of fun, despite how hard it is to escape the fan girls that we encounter from time to time. I know Gustavo would have our heads if he caught wind of us dating in secret. Not that he'd really care, but his job is on the line. The pressures of Hollywood seem to be somewhat lighter now…

But that doesn't mean that our troubles are gone, because they are not.

As time goes on, I had to break up with Charice. James, by force of Griffin, is still "seeing" Marla, who is as controlling as ever. He'd even come home with bruises and black eyes occasionally which really scared me. Don't get me wrong, I know that I can trust James and what he is doing, and if things get too out of hand, he'll stand up for himself but not physically hurt the girl. Still…I am just worried for him. If I could, I'd be throwing sharks and piranhas at that fudge bag!

As time goes on, the animosity between Kendall and I began to cease. I don't feel so tense around him. I don't feel so scared or anxious like I did before, even though I never seemed to talk about it. It was something I kept within. I don't feel nervous or awkward, because most the time, I had James with me, and if not, there was Logan. But the few fleeting moments where it was Kendall and I, I sometimes caught him looking every now and then. Not lustful, just curious, I guess.

As time goes on, began to worry for Kendall and Logan's relationship. Camille and Jo were becoming more intimate towards us, their advances always ended the same; with a flustered Logan and a jealous Kendall arguing in our apartment. My boyfriend and I know that they always make up happily in the end, but the fact that they are arguing, it's bizarre. They used to never be so. They both always had a well composed way of behaving but now, it's like Camille and Jo are the ones putting them at ends. Sometimes Logan would yell about how Jo would be groping him and Kendall had to defend himself. Sometimes Kendall was the starting accusations, especially with the rumor circulating that Camille is no longer a virgin. They fought with love and even though it scares all of us, in the end, love fought through.

"_**See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart,  
>never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out<br>how to love, how to love."**_

_**"See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever,**_  
><em><strong>now you in this corner tryna put it together<strong>_  
><em><strong>how to love, how to love."<strong>_

Strumming his guitar along with us, I noticed that even though rap isn't our forte (it's more of Logan's thing to rap actually), James and I did amazing on it. I am nervous. I have decided that today, I confront Griffin. Normally, it's something Kendall would do, but he was threatened with the band…maybe I can do something about it. As our song came to an end, I smiled at James, but sadly he and Kendall both were sourly staring at the recording window, with Griffin behind it. Gustavo rushed me out as he threw Logan in, muttering about Logan's solo now. I gave him a thumbs up before following Griffin to his upper office.

Well here I go.

I strode down the hall after seeing that it was clear, the self portraits hanging menacingly in their gold tinted frames, and even the sunny reflection of the neighboring buildings could not enlighten this corridor. The carpet was worn down though it did not show the prints of someone powerful. Just before turning right towards the way Griffin went, I saw immediately that someone walked into his office which lay down at the very end of the turn.

"What are you doing?"

Immediately I jumped up, back arching in surprise. Turning around, it was James.

"D-dude, you s-scared me!"

"That doesn't answer my question." The pretty boy said in a sing-song-y voice.

"I am going to confront Griffin."

"Wait, Carlos-"

I didn't really wait around for James' reply, because I had to do this. I don't want us to be under his(Griffin's) complete thumb; I just want us to be free to see who we want. Even each other.

I barged in, and immediately my eyes saw someone I did not want to see.

* * *

><p><strong>(James' POV)<strong>

"M-mamá?"

I heard Carlos shouted incredulously. I bolted in too, now finding that there stood Carlos' mom, her sad eyes fixed on the two of us. I love Carlos, I really do, but I am hoping that Mrs. Garcia doesn't do anything to persuade Carlos into doing something he's unsure of. Carlos…can be a bit of a mama's boy. Don't get me wrong; I can be one too, but it's different with Carlos – asides from the guys and I, Carlos didn't really have any friends. His mother and father were the only ones really there for him. It was that bond that well, gives his mother a good grip over what Carlos wants and right now, I am afraid of what she might have to say.

"Ahhh so good to see you two, I was about to call the two of you up. Carlos, your mother and I have been discussing this so-called relationship with James. Break up."

Before I could even interject, the woman began talking.

"Son, I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing your voice over the phone and all the pictures of your crazy adventures. But this needs to stop. Carlos, I did not raise you to be like this; to follow the heathenness path. I gave you the proper upbringing any mother could, what did I do wrong? What is that I did to make you become a sodomite? Son, stop this nonsense. Break up with James. Don't even talk to him."

"Mom, James and I didn't even have sex ye-"

"Carlos, this isn't right. You don't love James. If you wanna stay in Hollywood, you will break up with James. You will stop being selfish. _Now._"

I wasn't sure if I should yell or scream or run or throttle Griffin and Mrs. Garcia out the window but I am hoping that Carlos makes the right decision.

* * *

><p><strong>(Kendall's POV)<strong>

"_**Through timeless words and priceless pictures  
>we'll fly like birds not of this earth<strong>_

**_And tides _**_**‒**__** they turn **__**‒**__** and hearts disfigure  
>but that's no concern when we're wounded together.<strong>_

_**And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts**_  
><em><strong>but it's nice today. Oh, the wait was so worth it."<strong>_

I wonder where James is, considering he's supposed to be supporting Logan with piano. Although Gustavo is giving a rather pleased look, James should have been here. Oh well, I bet he's off with Carlos. I smiled at Logan as he gave that last note with a fantastic crescendo. Gustavo actually did a good job at picking out these songs, and regardless of them being covers, we actually sounded surreal in them, despite not even using auto tune like we usually do for some of our synthesized songs. I noticed that Griffin wasn't hovering over Gustavo's slouching shoulders. Getting up, I kissed Logan, and laughed into Logan's cute lips as Gustavo made a small gagging sound over the intercom.

Just then, I saw Carlos burst in the door, dragging Logan out with him.

I followed.

"I don't know what to d-d-do! If I don't b-b-break up with James, I have to leave Hollywood, and if I do b-break up, I…I don't want to lose him! I had j-just begun realizing and l-learning how much I really do love James! Yes, love! I don't want t-t-t-o lose that…" sniffled the Latino as Logan awkwardly patted his back. Hearing Carlos ramble frantically over the affair with Griffin and his mother honestly riled me up even more.

"Carlos, first you need to calm down," Logan said with serenity "You need to give them your answer. You weren't really being forced into anything; you were just being given your options."

Now I am confused.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, and Carlos nodded like a lost puppy.

"Griffin and your mother gave you a choice whether or not to stay with James. Just walk up to them and tell them what you feel. The thing is Carlos, this is affecting James more than your mom."

Seriously, I love how smart my boyfriend is. But first things first; we gotta help Carlos.

* * *

><p><strong>(Carlos' POV)<strong>

By the time I returned, James was gone.

My mother got off Griffin's chair.

I released the breathe I held.

"I love you mom, but no. Griffin, I love James. And I am not leaving Hollywood."

I found James standing on the roof tops of Palm Woods. He never comes up here unless he desperately wants to be alone. Maybe that's why I found him up here in the first place. The sun cascaded down the windows of the apartment as the happy inhabitants were splashing down in the pool below and the supple wind whispered through James' locks. I strode by him, and stood by his side though he didn't flinch or acknowledge my presence.

We just watched the sun set.

Turning to him, I pulled him into a kiss. A long kiss. A peaceful but needy kiss. One that defines strength and weakness, which defines us. My heel popped and I didn't want to let go. I felt his tongue caress my own and such a coy way that it didn't seem like James. It was the first time that I was holding him, not the other way around in a kiss. I mean I was the one supporting us, instead of James carrying me.

"I chose you." I faintly whispered beside the wind.

And he kissed me again.

Eventually, we were free of our bondage. Kendall and Logan broke up with Camille and Jo the day Griffin tested us to our deal; that if we came out publically, we would make even more money than before. And our words were true; despite the small fluctuation in our fan base for a moment, our profits soared high afterwards. The break ups weren't as messy as we presumed them to be, for Camille and Jo seemed to have gotten wind of it supposedly. James also dropped Marla to the curve, who gave him two black eyes before stomping off to terrorize whatever denizens of Los Angeles. As winter began to come, I haven't heard of my mother since her arrival to LA. While James' mom seemed ecstatic (James told her after we kissed on the rooftop so she wouldn't be mad finding out elsewhere), mamá returned to Minnesota in defeat. I wonder how papá putting up with it…

"_**And when that world slows down, dear,  
>and when those stars burn out, her,<br>oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here.  
>They call her love, love, love, love, love."<strong>_

The masses of fans growled with enthusiasm as Kendall was finishing up his final song. We decided to debut the EP at the local mall, and a lot of people showed up. Even Jo and Camille came. The crowds cheered and we bowed, glowing at the joy of normality beginning to sink in again. It wasn't a drowning like sinking. It was a calming, returning kind of a feeling.

Turning the shower on, I began to relax.

It's funny. How coming into a shower can suddenly start a thousand memories come rushing back to your head with the intensity of a crashing waterfall. I began thinking of Kendall and the elusive encounters we had to abandoning Logan at the airport to James coming to Minnesota all the way to James and I becoming boyfriends.

I'm not sure what to make of it really.

Except…

A part of me is beginning to think that people make mistakes for a reason. I placed so much trust in my friends and in a way, they taught me they are not perfect. That trust can mold into an expectation and that expectations can hurt. It was the reason why I tried to convince myself that Kendall and I were just going through a phase of false love and sexual confusion. It was the reason why I nearly demanded Logan to board the plane with me. It was the reason why James had hurt me with the truth about love. We make mistakes to prove our love to the best of our degree, I guess. Maybe it's those reasons of imperfection and unmet expectations that make me love them in the end – because they are my friends.

Grabbing my towel, I whistled Halfway There as I began to creep onto my room.

Walking in was a sight to behold, and just looking made my towel drop as I stood at the doorway; there was James, wearing his black boxer briefs that were met at the middle of his thigh, and his cock, his _big_ and I mean_ BIG_ cock in his hands, being stroked with leisure as he crooned with relief into our room. Maybe it was my own erection that made my towel fall, but I have never been this turned on in my life before. His dick glistened in the pallid lighting of the room, the sheets scattered abroad on the floor. I closed in on him, and before James had the chance to say something the minute his eyes darted at me, I took his cock into my hands, caressing it myself.

James groaned in delight, and taking that as a positive sign, rubbed even more so, adding a little pressure as my palm flirted with the head of his dick. Just touching him even had me shivering rambunctiously down my back. James squirmed helplessly under my touch, and I let my other hand ghost behind his head before yanking him into a sultry kiss.

The door remained forgotten and I pressed a finger into James' bottom. I don't know why but I just did. He was dry, and it may have been rough but I have never seen James look so enticing before. The heat caving around my finger was so foreign to me, and it scored a scream out of James who now bucked his bottom against my hand, pushing more of my finger into him. I added another and another, until I had three of my fingers in there, curling each one individually as James moaned higher and higher, nearly reaching his falsetto.

No words were needed to be exchanged because just being this close and this intimate was so good as it was that our actions said it all. I locked eyes with James, and the minute he threw his head back in the euphoria, I licked my way down, twirling at his pectorals before smooching each of his abs, one by one, enjoying the crevices they formed on the valley of his body.

I pulled away, and James got up, kissing me by the mouth first. His tongue did things I never thought a tongue could do. He wasn't sucking my face really, but it was such a passionate kiss that in a way, almost anyone would have had an orgasm just kissing this way. Or maybe that was just James' style of kissing. Doing so, he fondled my dick, and I jumped into his touch.

The brunette boy chuckled against my skin as he did to me what I had done for him. Slowly building pressure, slowly growing pleasure in every stroke, pumping me harder, hastier, making me scream so loudly I am sure there was some knocking from next door. I was becoming more animalistic as James stroked me. His hands were slick, so I am guessing that James is circumcised, maybe it had something to do with his Jewish heritage, not that I mind. The substance on him was warming and tingling, and my skin crawled with uneasy lust as I couldn't keep still to him.

"Hello." I heard behind me. Turning around, I saw Kendall and Logan there, with Logan covering his eyes while Kendall blushed. And then I remembered that I was still naked and now James was caught because the both of us were struggling to cover our crotches as Logan dragged Kendall towards their room, ranting about decency and whatnot.

"Ummm awkward." I decided to just pounce on my equally exposed boyfriend and kiss him.

"Who cares, I love you." I whispered.

And with that said, we kissed and touched into the night. I never thought I could be this hard, but I am. James stopped stroking me, and with the look in his eyes, the fiery bold look that screamed ravage me was all the convincing I need.

Grabbing the lube by his bed, I coated myself before sluggishly pushing in. It was the first time I saw James look so submissive. Ravishing. Innocent. Timid even. Once fully inside, I kissed him over and over, trying to kiss away the comfortless feeling he was enduring below. The ring of muscle began to lax a little, and then a sensual warmth came onto me. The feeling of being inside of James was like cuddling with the cosmos and running along the stars; it was out of this world and beautiful all at once. My eyes were skewered shut but when I opened my eyes, I saw James smiling.

"G-go."

Gaining rhythm, we tangoed in the bed, and our body sailed along the ripples of the stained sheets that was of James' bed. We twirled and spun endlessly, with each thrust forcing pleasure out of us like a fountain with a busted pipe, spewing our hollers like sparkling water.

My lover clawed at my back and to my hands upon his, and we scratched and bit wildly though lovingly. Despite the fact that Kendall may have taken my physical first time, emotionally, I was losing my virginity. Yet unlike most people where it was messy and uneasy and simply disastrous, this felt so right at all the right moments and all the sounds and I can't just stop babbling.

The pleasure was building up so closely. With the thrusts I was making, I knew I was close. My dick prodded James' magical bundle of nerves you'd call a prostate happily and he mewled mindlessly against my chest as his beautifully flushed face looked into my eyes.

I pulled out of him, and just by kissing him, we came.

Our panting still lingered, but the cum felt pleasant, even though I know James is the kind of person who dislikes messes. We glowed. We breathed. We felt it dry. We felt sleep come over us.

We slept.

We make mistakes.

We hurt.

We become sad.

But the best part of it is, is that we love.

* * *

><p>Critic and review please!<p>

Chrissy~


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